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Y'n? 


(TlTcf-Jolomon 


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Hundred  4  h 
•    •    •  Ul  i 


•   • 


B     Y     •    H     E     LCN-ROWLANO 


807.73       Rowland,    H. 
R796s  Sayings   of  Mrs 

/Solomon 
~7^ 


VVAL 


THE       SAYINGS       OF 


MRS.  SOLOMON 


EAiizl  BEING     THE     CONFESSIONS      OF     THE  T 


<M*«~    SEVEN  HUNDREDTH  WIFE  AS  REVEALED  TO 


HELEN  ROWLAND 


AUTHOR  OF  "THE  WIDOW' 
"REFLECTIONS  OF  A  BACHELOR 
GIRL,"  ETC.  :  :  :  :  :  j  i  i  :  : 


T,      1913,     BY     DODGE 
COMPANY;    NEW    YORK 


C  O  P  Y  R  I  G  H 

PUBLI  S  H  I  N  G 


SIRENS 

ADMONITIONS 

SONGS 


AND  VERILY,  A  WOMAN 


NEED  KNOW  BUT  ONE 


MAN  WELL,   IN  ORDER 


I    TO  UNDERSTAND  ALL 


MEN;  WHEREAS  A  MAN 


MAY  KNOW  ALL  WOMEN 


AND  UNDERSTAND  NOT 


'HEM 


£ 


E 


N 


HEARKEN,  my  Daughter,  and  give  ear  unto 
my  wisdom,  that  thou  mayest  understand 
man — his  goings  and  his  comings,  his  stay- 
ings  out  and  his  return  in  the  morning,  his  words  of 
honey  and  his  ways  of  guile. 

Beloved,  question  me  not,  whence  I  have  learned  of 
man,  his  secrets.  Have  I  not  known  one  man  well? 
And  verily,  a  woman  need  know  but  one  man,  in 
order  to  understand  all  men ;  whereas  a  man  may 
know  all  women  and  understand  not  one  of  them. 

For  men  are  of  but  one  pattern,  whereof  thou  need- 
est  but  to  discover  the  secret  combination;  but 
women  are  as  the  YaU  lock — no  two  of  them  are 
alike. 


Lo!   What  a  paradox  is  man- 
worketh  backward ! 


iven  a  puzzle  which 


He  mistaketh  a  sweet  scent  for  a  sweet  disposition, 
and  a  subtile  sachet  for  a  subtile  mind. 


A 112 

I  Orchestr* 


He  voweth,  "I  admire  a  discreet  woman!" — and  in 
viteth  the  froward  blonde  of  the  chorus  to  supper. 
["I 


C    A 
3    * 


£ 


E 


N 


He  muttereth  unto  his  wife,  "Lo !  I  will  go  unto  the 
corner  for  a  cigar" — and  behold,  he  wandereth  unto 
many  corners  and  returneth  by  a  circular  route. 

He  kisseth  the  woman  whom  he  loveth  not,  and 
avoideth  her  whom  he  loveth,  lest  his  heart  become 
entangled.  Yea,  he  seeketh  always  the  wrong 
woman  that  he  may  forget  his  heart's  desire. 

Yet,  whichever  he  weddeth,  he  regretteth  it  all  the 
days  of  his  life. 

SELAH. 


I  A  112 


• ..----  --,,    , 


• 


iMfl 


fAllFI 


Orchrstn. 


FOR  A  LONE 
WOMAN  IN  A 
GREAT  REST- 
AURANT LOOK- 
ETH  PITIFUL; 
BUT  AN  HUS- 
BAND LOOK- 
ETH  LIKE  A 


I  A  112 


iwar 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  ONE 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


V 


ERILY,  my  Daughter,  an  husband  is  a  Good 
Thing.  He  giveth  the  house  a  "finished" 
look,  even  as  a  rubber  plant  and  a  door-plate. 


He  suggesteth  ready-money,  and  is  an    adornment  \™ 
like  unto  a  potted  palm  upon  the  piazza. 

When  he  sitteth  beside  thee  in  the  tabernacle,  he  is 
as  a  certificate  of  respectability;  yea  in  the  eyes  of 
society,  he  is  better  than  a  written  recommendation. 

Verily,  he  is  as  necessary  unto  thy  dinner  table  as 
a  centerpiece,  and  more  impressive  than  cut  flowers 
and  a  butler  in  livery. 

When  he  taketh  thee  abroad  to  dine,  the  waiter  shall 
not  lead  thee  into  dim  and  draughty  corners,  but 
shall  run  nimbly  and  place  thee  in  a  choice  spot 
within  hearing  of  the  music. 

For  a  lone  woman  in  a  great  restaurant  looketh  piti- 
ful ;  but  an  husband  looketh  like  a  real  tip. 

When  thou  goest  unto  an  hotel  in  his  company,  the 
clerk  shall  not  offer  thee  a  room  upon  the  air-shaft ; 
and  the  bell-boys  shall  answer  thy  ring  with  flying 
[15] 


A  112 

.  »MHM^ta-*» 

OrcHefti* 


j  A  112 

OrcKt- itrc  | 


For  what  profiteth  it  a  woman,  though  she  have 
every  other  luxury  in  all  the  world,  and  have  not  a 
Mle  husband  in  her  home? 


OrctwBtr* 


BOOK         OF         HUSBANDS 

feet  and  a  glad  smile.  For  an  husband  is  as  good  as 
much  credit. 

Yea,  when  thou  goest  forth  to  shop,  saying  "Send 
this  thing  to  Mrs.  Jones",  the  clerk  shall  treat  thee 
almost  as  an  equal. 

Women  shall  not  gossip  about  thee,  and  men  shall 
come  unto  thy  teas  with  an  easy  mind,  knowing  thou 
canst  have  no  designs  upon  them.  Thy  family  shall 
call  thee  "settled",  and  no  woman  shall  call  thee 
"Poor  Thing!" 

Therefore,  I  say  unto  thee,  if  thou  findest  thine  hus- 
band less  than  thine  ideal,  weep  not,  but  be  of  good 
cheer. 


CHAPTER  TWO 

A  PERFECT  husband,  who  can  find  one? 
For  his  price  is  far  above  gold  bonds. 
The  heart  of  his  wife  rejoiceth  in  him,  and 
he  shall  have  no  lack  of  encouragement. 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


He  worketh  willingly  with  his  hands  and  bringeth 
home  all  his  shekels. 


He  riseth  without  calling  and  lifteth  the  ice  from 
off  the  dumbwaiter.  He  starteth  the  kitchen  range. 
He  considereth  his  wife,  and  kisseth  her  occasion- 
ally. 

Six  days  of  the  week  doth  he  labor  for  his  moneys, 
and  upon  the  seventh  doeth  chores  within  the  house 
for  relaxation. 

With  his  own  hands  he  runneth  the  lawn  mower 
and  washeth  the  dog. 

He  layeth  his  hands  to  the  parlor  curtains  and  put- 
teth  up  the  portieres. 


oyr 

»=«=»=  ^HS* 


BOOK 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


He  putteth  the  cat  out  by  night. 
He  is  not  afraid  of  the  cook. 

His  ashes  fall  not  upon  the  carpet,  and  his  cigarette 
burneth  not  holes  in  the  draperies. 

For  he  doeth  his  smoking  on  the  piazza. 

He  weareth  everlasting  socks  and  seweth  on  his  own 
buttons. 

His  overcoat  doeth  him  two  seasons. 

Yet,  when  he  ventureth  abroad  with  his  wife  he 
donneth  a  dress  suit  without  grumbling. 

The  grouch  knoweth  him  not  and  his  breakfast 
always  pleaseth  him.  His  mouth  is  filled  with 
praises  for  his  wife's  cooking.  He  doth  not  expect 
chicken  salad  from  left-over  veal,  neither  the  mak- 
ing of  lobster  patties  from  an  ham-bone. 

His  wife  is  known  within  the  gates,  when  she  sitteth 
among  the  officers  of  her  Club,  by  the  fit  of  her 
gowns  and  her  imported  hats.  He  luncheth  meagrely 
upon  a  sandwich  that  he  may  adorn  her  with  fine 
jewels.  He  grumbleth  not  at  the  bills. 


5  A  112 

Orchestra. 


BOOK 


HUSBANDS 


He  openeth  his  mouth  with  praises  and  noteih  her 
new  frock.  And  the  word  of  flattery  is  on  his  tongue. 


He  perceiveth  not  the  existence  of  other  women. 


He  may  be  trusted  to  mail  a  letter. 


Lo,  many  men  have  I  met  in  the  world,  but  none 
like  unto  him. 


Yet  have  ye  all  seen  him — in  your  dreams  I 


CHAPTER  THREE 


BEHOLD,  my  Daughter,  the  Lord  maketh  a 
man — but  the  wife  maketh  an  husband. 
For  Man  is  but  the  raw  material  whereon  a 
woman  putteth  the  finishing  touches. 


O   F 


H  U   S  B  A 


Yea,  and  whatsoever  pattern  of  husband  thou  se- 
lectest,  thou  shalt  find  him  like  unto  a  shop-made 
garment,  which  must  be  trimmed  over  and  cut  down, 
and  ironed  out,  and  built  up  to  tit  the  matrimonial 
situation. 

Verily,  the  best  of  husbands  hath  many  raw  edges, 
and  many  unnecessary  pleats  in  his  temper,  and 
many  wrinkles  in  his  disposition,  which  must  be 
removed. 

Lo,  I  charge  thee,  be  wary  in  thy  choice.  For,  many 
shall  call,  but  few  shall  propose.  And,  a  wise  damsel 
shall  with  difficulty  select  that  which  fitteth  her  dis- 
position and  matcheth  her  tastes— even  that  which 
shall  not  pinch  upon  the  bank  account,  neither 
stretch  upon  the  truth,  neither  shrink  nor  run  not 


O   F 


At  the  second-hand  counter  thou  shall  find  many 
widowers,  which  have  been  remodelled  by  another 
hand.  And  these  are  easy  to  acquire.  Yet  an  hand- 
me-down  may  have  been  spoiled  in  the  making,  and 
become  frayed  at  the  edges  of  the  temper,  and  shiny 
on  the  seamy-side. 


But  a  bachelor  who  hath  passed  forty  is  a  remnant; 
and  there  is  no  good  material  left  in  him.  His  senti- 
ments are  moth-eaten  and  his  tender  speeches  shop- 
worn. His  manners  shall  require  much  basting  and 
his  morals  many  patches.  The  gloss  hath  been 
rubbed  off  his  illusions  and  the  color  hath  gone  out 
of  his  emotions.  Yet,  a  clever  damsel  shall,  perad- 
venture,  take  one  of  these  and  remodel  him  to  seem 
as  new. 

For  the  happiest  wife  is  not  she  that  getteth  the  best 
husband,  but  she  that  maketh  the  best  of  that  which 
she  getteth.  Verily,  verily,  an  husband  is  a  work  of 
art  which  must  be  executed  by  hand ;  for  there  is  no 
factory  which  turneth  them  out  to  order. 


BOOK 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


G 


O  to  the  lemon  grove,  oh,  thou  Scholarette! 
For  no  woman  with  brains  hath  ever  plucked 
a  peach  in  the  Garden  of  Matrimony. 


Orchestra. 


112 


Nay,  it  is  not  given  unto  one  woman  to  possess  both 
real  ability  and  a  real  husband. 

For  unto  a  successful  woman  an  husband  is  but  an 
adjunct;  and  no  man  yearneth  to  be  an  annex  I 

Alas!  He  preferreth  soft,  sweet  things,  and  unto 
him  a  woman  that  knoweth  her  own  mind  is  an 
abomination. 

Verily,  verily,  a  woman  with  nerves  aff ecteth  a  man 
as  a  mosquito  that  buzzeth  throughout  a  summer 
night.  She  wearieth  him. 

But  a  woman  with  nerve  is  as  a  cold  bath  on  a  win- 
ter morning.  She  shocketh  him! 


Lo,  an  intelligent  opinion  in  the  mouth  of  a  woman 


*=*£• 

n  P 


BOOK 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


A  112  I 

Orch*«tT«.  I 


And  a  wife  with  judgment  which  exceedeth  his  own 
is  more  uncanny  than  a  pet  parrot  which  saith  the 
appropriate  thing  at  the  right  moment.  She  appal- 
lethhim! 

My  Daughter,  in  all  the  land  dost  thou  know  of  one 
clever  woman  who  hath  been  happily  married? 


Nay!  For  I  say  unto  thee  there  can  be  but  one 
mind,  one  opinion,  and  one  throne  in  an  household; 
and  every  man  claimeth  these  for  himself. 

Then,  oh,  thou  Temperamental  One,  whatsoever 
thou  receivest  in  the  l&ve  game,  accept  it  gladly  and 
rejoice  thereat. 

For,  whether  it  be  a  babe  torn  from  the  cradle  or  an 
octogenarian  spared  from  the  grave;  whether  it  be 
a  left-over  bachelor,  or  an  hand-me-down  widower; 
though  thou  weddest  fourscore  times,  thou  shalt  do 
no  better  I 

Verily,  verily,  in  the  life  of  every  woman,  there 
cometh  a  season  when  she  yearneth  for  sentiment, 
and  neither  the  love  of  her  "art"  nor  the  adoration 
of  a  poodle  dog  is  sufficient. 


BOOK 


O   F 


§  A  112 


And  a  little  unhappiness  with  an  husband  is  more  to 
be  desired  than  great  loneliness  without  one. 

Go  to!    Life  without  one  of  these  is  as  spaghetti 
;^j  without  sauce  and  more  insipid  than  bouillon  with- 
out salt. 

Therefore,  my  Daughter,  gather  in  the  Lemon  which 
Fate  awardeth  thee  and  let  thine  heart  be  com- 
forted. 


For  though  wine  is  desirable,  yet  lemonade  is  not  to 
be  despised;  and  even  an  Highbrow  shall  find  an 
husband  an  agreeable  distraction  from  serious 
things  ( 


BOOK          OF 


CHAPTER  FIVE 


HUSBANDS 


HOW  long,  oh  thou  Credulous  One,  wilt  thou 
continue  to  marry  for  a  change;    and  the 
lawyers  delight  in  their  fees,  and  the  neigh- 
bors in  their  "I-said-so's"? 

For  lo,  though  there  be  many  varieties  of  men,  there 
is  but  one  kind  of  husband ! 


Yea,  though  a  man  wed  seven  times  seven  times,  he 
maketh  not  the  same  mistake  twice. 

But  the  woman  who  weddeth  a  second  time,  repeat- 
eth  her  own  history. 

Verily,  verily,  if  thou  wilt  but  close  thine  eyes,  thou 
canst  not  perceive  from  his  words,  neither  from  the 
cloves  upon  his  breath,  nor  the  ardor  of  his  greeting, 
whether  it  be  thy  first  or  thy  second  husband,  that 
kisseth  thee. 

For  one  man's  chin  is  as  rough  as  another's,  and  one 
man's  lies  are  as  smooth  as  another's. 


One  man's  razor  is  as  sacred  as  another's,  and  one 

man's  excuses  are  as  old  as  another's. 

[25] 


BOOK 


O   F 


HUSBANDS 


One  man  roareth,  like  unto  another,  when  he  is 
hungry. 

One  man  growleth,  like  unto  another,  when  he  is 
fed. 

One  man  groaneth,  like  unto  another,  when  he  hath 
over-eaten. 


One  man  looketh  as  uncanny  as  another  without  a 
collar,  and  as  weird  as  another  without  a  shave. 

One  man  streweth  his  cigar  ashes  upon  the  carpet, 
and  leaveth  his  stubs  in  the  pin-tray,  even  as 
another. 

One  man  burieth  himself  in  the  pillows  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  in  the  newspapers  in  the  evening,  and  re- 
fuseth  to  be  torn  therefrom — even  as  another. 

One  man  offereth  up  the  morning  and  evening 
growl,  and  celebrateth  the  Sunday  forenoon  grouch 
as  regularly  as  another. 

Why,  then,  wilt  thou  continue  to  hearken  unto  their 
promises  ?  For,  before  marriage,  all  men  are  promis- 
ing; but  matrimony  is  a  chemical  which  transmuteth 


each  and  every  one  of  them  from  a  lover  into  a 
critic,  from  an  admirer  into  a  scoffer,  from  an  adorer 
into  a  judge,  and  from  a  slave  into  a  sultan. 


Venly,  verily,  there  is  this  difference  only  in  hus- 
bands : 


That  the  first  maketh  thee  weep ; 
The  second  maketh  thee  wonder; 
But  the  third  maketh  thee  weary! 

SELAH. 


BRING  THE   CUSHION 


FOR    HIS    HEAD,   AND 


THE  FOOTSTOOL  FOR  i 


HIS   FEET,  AND  FEED 


HIM    FROM   THE   CHAF- 


:NG-DISH  WITH  THE 


FRUITS  OF  THINE  OWN 
COOKING 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  ONE 


O    F 


FLIRTS 


L 


O!  wondrous  are  the  workings  of  a  man's 
heart,  my  Daughter. 

His  love  is  a  thing  which  riseth  and  falleth 
as  the  stock  market ;  yea,  like  a  football  that  goeth 
up,  it  descendeth  swiftly. 

Behold,  when  a  man  first  meeteth  a  damsel,  she 
pleaseth  his  eyes.  Moreover,  she  is  different  from 
the  girl  before  and  affordeth  a  pleasant  change.  He 
adoreth  her  from  afar  and  indulgeth  in  foolish  pipe- 
dreams.  He  investeth  in  new  cravats  and  is  particu- 
lar concerning  his  collars. 

He  calleth  at  first,  timidly ;  he  getteth  on  the  good 
side  of  the  family.  He  bringeth  burnt  offerings  of 
expensive  flowers  and  sweets  from  Huyler's.  He 
readeth  the  Rubaiyat  unto  her  and  inviteth  her  to 
meet  his  sister. 

And,  behold,  there  cometh  a  day  when  he  kisseth 
her  suddenly  and  without  warning. 

And  another  when  he  kisseth  her  again — easily. 
And  another  when  he  kisseth  her  much  and  often. 
[31] 


A  112 


O     O     K 


O     F 


F     L     I     R 


And  another  when  he  kisseth  her  more  casually. 

And  another  when  he  departeth  early,  and  kisseth 
her  but  once — "Good  night". 

5  /\  nz  | 

|    And  another  when  he  faileth  to  call. 

Then,  peradventure,  she  writeth  him  a  letter — which 
he  putteth  in  his  pocket  and  forgetteth  to  answer. 
She  summoneth  him  over  the  telephone  and  he  goeth 
into  the  booth  wearily.  She  reproacheth  and  re- 
vileth  him.  He  picketh  a  quarrel. 

She  sobbeth  "All  is  over  between  us !"  He  answer- 
eth  "Oh,  very  well!  Even  as  thou  sayest!" 

And,  in  time,  he  meeteth  another  damsel  and  doeth 
it  all  over  again.  Yea,  the  selfsame  programme  he 
repeateth  unto  the  letter ;  yet,  he  never  tireth. 

For  lo !  though  a  man  hath  eaten  his  fill  at  one  meal, 
why  shall  he  lack  appetite  for  the  next? 

Then,  I  charge  thee,  my  Daughter,  when  love  be- 
ginneth,  question  not  any  man  how  it  will  end ;  for 
it  is  only  in  the  beginning  of  things  that  a  man  is  in- 


terested; even  in  the  cream  from  off  the  jug,  the 

[32] 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


j  A  112 

Orchestra. 


bubble  of  the  champagne,  the  meat  on  the  peach, 
and — the  first  kiss  of  a  woman. 

Yet,  what  mattereth  the  end?  Is  not  the  end  of  the 
cream,  skimmed  milk ;  and  the  end  of  a  cigar,  a  stub ; 
and  the  end  of  a  peach,  a  stone;  and  the  end  of 
champagne,  dregs;  and  the  end  of  love,  a  quarrel? 
And  which  of  these  would  ye  choose  ? 

Verily,  the  flirtations  of  a  man's  bachelor  days  are, 
in  passing,  as  the  courses  of  the  love-feast;  but 
a  <wife  is  the  black  coffee  which  settleih  him. 


§  A  112 

I  Orchestra. 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


CHAPTER  TWO 


ATlF 

Orctwitnl 


M 


ARVELLOUS,  oh,  my  Daughter,  is  the 
way  of  a  man  with  women ;  for  every  man 
hath  a  method  and  each  his  favorite  stunt. 
And  the  stunt  that  he  hath  found  to  work  success- 
fully with  one  damsel  shall  be  practised  upon  each 
in  turn,  even  unto  the  finest  details  thereof. 

Behold,  one  man  shall  come  unto  thee  saying : 

"How  foolish  are  the  sentimentalists!  But,  as  for 
me,  my  motives  are  altruistic  and  disinterested ;  and 
a  woman's  friendship  is  what  I  most  desire."  Yet,  I 
charge  thee,  seek  among  his  women  "friends"  and 
thou  shalt  not  find  an  homely  damsel  in  all  their 
number. 

For  this  is  the  platonic  stunt. 

Now,  another  shall  try  thee  by  a  simpler  method. 

Lo,  suddenly  and  without  warning,  he  shall  arise 
and  catch  thee  in  his  arms.    And  when  thou  smitest 
him  upon  the  cheek,  he  shall  be  overcome  with 
humiliation,  crying: 
"I  could  not  helpitl" 


OBEI 
g  A  112 

I  Orchestra 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


g  A  112  i 

Orchestra. 


Yet  be  not  persuaded,  but  put  him  dawn  without 
mercy,  lest  peradventure,  he  kiss  thee  again. 

For  this  is  the  impetuous  stunt. 

Yet  observe  how  still  another  seeketh  to  be  more 
subtile. 

Mark  how  he  sitteth  afar  off  and  talketh  of  love  in 
the  abstract;  how  he  calleth  three  times  a  week,  yet 
remaineth  always  impersonal;  how  he  praiseth  the 
shape  of  thine  hand  and  admireth  thy  rings,  yet 
toucheth  not  so  much  as  the  tips  of  thy  fingers. 

"Lo,"  he  thinketh  in  his  heart,  "I  shall  keep  her 
guessing.  Yea,  I  shall  wrack  her  soul  with  thoughts 
of  how  I  may  be  brought  to  subjection.  And  when 
she  can  no  longer  contain  her  curiosity,  then  will 
she  seek  to  lure  me,  and  I  shall  gather  her  in  mine 
arms." 


And  this  is  the  elusive  stunt. 


5  A 112 


But,  I  say  unto  thee,  my  Daughter,  each  of  these  is 
but  as  a  chainstitch  unto  a  rose  pattern,  beside  him 
that  playeth  the  frankly  devoted. 
[351 


O     K 


O     F 


F     L     I     R 


For  all  women  are  unto  him  as  one  woman — and 
that  one  putty. 

Lo,  the  look  of  "adoration"  in  his  eyes  is  like  unto 
•  the  curl  in  his  hair,  always  there ;  and  he  weareth  his 


'  "protecting  manner"  as  naturally  and  as  constantly 
as  his  linen  collar. 


He  is  so  attentive  and  the  thoughtful  thing  cometh 
unto  him  as  second  nature. 

Yea,  though  there  be  twenty  damsels  in  the  room, 
yet  shall  each  be  made  to  think  in  her  heart: 
"Lo,  Iam#/" 

Verily,  verily,  all  the  days  of  his  life  he  shall  be 
waited  on  and  cooed  over  and  coddled  by  women; 
and  his  way  shall  be  as  one  continuous  path  of  con- 
quests and  thornless  roses. 

For  this  is  the  Stunt  of  Stunts  I 


>s    rrv     fri    ff\    - 


\  A  1121 

Orchestra 


BOOK          OF 


CHAPTER  THREE 


FLIRTS 


I 


CHARGE  thee,  my  Daughter,  seek  not  to  break 
a  man's  heart;  for  it  is  like  unto  family  pride, 
or  a  pin,  which  may  be  bent,  but  cannot  be 
broken!  Yea,  it  is  as  a  ball  of  India  rubber  which 
reboundeth  easily  after  the  worst  shocks. 

Lo,  the  heart  of  a  woman  is  full  of  soft  spots  in 
which  every  man  she  hath  once  loved  occupieth  a 
"cozy  corner".  She  lingereth  tenderly  over  the  grave 
of  a  dead  love ;  but  a  man  flingeth  a  spadeful  of  earth 
thereon  and  proceedeth  to  dig  a  new  one.  And  his 
heart  is  as  a  great  cemetery! 

A  woman  keepeth  a  bundle  of  love-letters  tied  in 
faded  ribbons;  but  a  man  cleaneth  his  pipe  bowl 
cheerfully  with  the  stem  of  the  rose  which  the 
girl-before-the-last  hath  worn  in  her  hair. 

A  woman  remembereth  the  dress  she  hath  worn  and 
the  song  she  hath  sung  for  each  particular  man ;  but 
a  man  remembereth  not  the  scent  of  violet  sachet 
when  the  odor  of  heliotrope  is  in  his  nostrils. 


112 


six  months,  when  he  cometh  by  chance 
'e  or  a  lock  of  hair  at  the  bottom  of 


BOOK 


his  trunk,  he  casteth  it  into  the  fire,  muttering, 
"Now,  who  the  devil  put  that  thing  there?" 

A  woman  recollecteth  each  pet  name  by  which  she 
hath  been  called;  she  alloweth  no  /women  to  label 
her  alike.  But  unto  a  man,  every  woman  becometh 
in  turn  "Little  Girl"  or  "Baby"  or  "Honey". 


Lo,  he  is  as  one  that  playeth  with  skulls  and  sporteth 
with  the  bones  of  his  ancestors;  for  he  holdeth 
nothing  sacred. 

He  eraseth  one  face  from  the  tablet  of  memory,  and 
draweth  another  across  it. 

He  changeth  his  object  of  thought  as  readily  as  he 
changeth  his  clothes  and  his  political  opinions. 

For  a  woman's  love  is  a  slow  flame  which  smoulder- 
eth  always,  but  a  man's  love  is  like  unto  a  skyrocket, 
which  sputtereth  out  and  cannot  be  rekindled. 

Verily,  his  "past"  is  always  qtttte  past,  and  his  dead 
loves  are  quite  dead.  And  there  is  nothing  which  is 
more  wearisome  unto  him  than  the  memory  of  yes- 
terday's wine,  or  yesterday's  flirtation. 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


CHAPTER  FOUR 

MY  Daughter,  there  are  many  styles  of  kisses, 
and  they  come  in  endless  patterns,  even  as 
Oriental  rugs. 

There  is  the  kiss  that  sootheth  and  the  kiss  that 
thrilleth,  the  kiss  that  flattereth  and  the  kiss  that  is  a 
pastime.  But  the  best  of  all  kisses  is  the  first  kiss ; 
for  it  is  the  most  difficult. 

Yet,  in  all  the  days  of  thy  life,  no  two  men  shall  kiss 
thee  alike.  For  one  man  shall  regard  thy  kisses  as  a 
boon,  and  another  shall  regard  them  as  an  amuse- 
ment; but  an  husband  shall  consider  them,  as  the 
shaving  of  his  chin,  a  morning  duty. 

Hast  thou  scorned  a  man's  kisses? 

Then  will  he  exalt  thee,  saying  "Lo!  she  is  very 
proper."  For  he  can  think  of  no  other  reason  why 
thou  shouldst  not  desire  to  kiss  him. 

Yet  if  thou  hast  consented  to  kiss  only  one  man, 
he  will  say  unto  himself,  "Verily,  it  is  her  habit. 
So  doeth  she  with  all  mankind."  For  every  man 
judgeth  thee  by  the  way  in  which  thou  treatest 
him. 
[391 


BOOK          OF         FLIRTS 


If  a  man  kisseth  thy  hand  gracefully,  beware  of  him  ; 
for  this  is  the  habit  of  an  accomplished  flirt,  which 
hath  been  acquired  by  much  practice. 

But  if  he  kisseth  thee  first  upon  the  forehead,  and 
then  upon  the  eyelids,  and  then  upon  the  lips,  thou 
mayest  choose  thy  wedding  gown  and  decide  upon 
thy  bridesmaids. 

Lo,  kissing  is  a  fine  art,  and  there  are  many  artists  ; 
and  one  shall  take  a  kiss  from  thee  as  though  he 
doeth  thee  a  favor,  and  another  shall  take  a  kiss  as 
though  he  had  taken  thy  pocketbook. 

Yet,  no  man  shall  ever  understand  why  thou  seemest 
pleased,  or  why  thou  waxest  wroth,  when  he  kisseth 
thee  ;  for  it  is  all  in  the  way  of  his  wooing. 

Verily,  verily,  a  man  who  kisseth  a  woman  with  his 
hat  on  shall  be  annihilated. 

But  he,  that  kisseth  her  as  though  he  had  never 
kissed  before  and  never  should  kiss  again,  shall  wear 
an  halo  in  her  sight.  For  he  knoweth  the  Art  of 
Arts. 


Orctiestrc 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


CHAPTER  FIVE 

LO,  my  Daughter,  a  man  came  unto  me  say- 
ing: 

"Let  me  be  thy  slave.  For,  behold,  I  am 
all  devotion.  And  it  is  my  delight  to  serve  a  fair 
woman." 

And  I  looked  at  him  and  smiled  sadly. 

For  I  knew  that  he  was  invulnerable;   and  all  my 
weapons  were  broken  against  me. 
But  another  came  unto  me  saying : 
"Behold !  I  am  a  woman-hater.    Not  one  of  them  do 
I  trust.  Nay,  not  one  can  deceive  and  allure  me.  For 
I  have  their  numbers,  all  of  them." 
And  my  heart  was  gladdened.    For,  by  that  sign,  I 
knew  that  he  was  easy.  And  my  way  was  clear  be- 
fore me. 

Verily,  verily,  men  are  of  three  varieties:  the  kind 
that  must  be  driven  with  whip  and  spur;  the  kind 
that  must  be  coaxed  with  apples  and  sugar ;  and  the 
kind  that  must  be  blindfolded  and  backed  into  the 
shafts  of  matrimony. 

And  the  woman-hater  is  like  unto  the  last. 
[41] 


Orchestra. 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


Therefore,  I  charge  thee,  when  thou  meetest  one  of 
these  seek  not  to  argue  with  him,  neither  to  convince 
him ;  but  agree  with  him  sweetly,  that  all  thy  sex  is 
weak  and  untrustworthy. 

Orche.tr*  |  Discourse  sorrowfully  upon  the  pitfalls  of  flirtation, 
and  the  hollotwness  of  love,  and  the  horrors  of  matri- 
mony. 

Declare  boldly  thy  scorn  for  the  New  Woman,  and 
for  the  Old  Woman,  and  for  the  Frivolous  Woman, 
and  for  the  Highbrow,  and  for  the  Lowbrow,  and  all 
the  women  that  are  on  the  earth  and  in  the  heavens 
above  the  earth. 

And  when  thou  hast  disarmed  him,  taking  all  his 
arguments  from  out  his  mouth,  speak  sweetly  con- 
cerning the  beauties  of  platonic  friendship  and  wax 
rapturous  in  its  praises. 

Bring  the  cushion  for  his  head,  and  the  footstool  fof 
his  feet,  and  feed  him  from  the  chafing  dish  with  the 
fruits  of  thine  own  cooking,  saying: 

"I  prithee,  do  smoke,  for  it  is  so  chummy!  Yea,  I 
beg  of  thee,  treat  me  as  thou  wouldst  a  man  friend." 

hand. 


Orchestra 


§  A  112' 

Orchestra.  I 


And  he  shall  say  in  his  heart: 

"Would  to  heaven  I  were  not  a  Woman  Hater,  and 
that  all  women  were  like  unto  her ;  for  she  is  sensible 
and  sincere — and  a  bachelor  flat  was  never  like  this  I" 

And  upon  the  seventh  evening  he  shall  fall  down 
before  thee  and  retract  all  his  words,  eating  them 
one  by  one. 

And  when  thou  remindest  him  of  thy  warnings  and 
of  thy  fear  of  marriage,  he  will  seek  to  persuade 
thee  and  will  comfort  thee  with  kisses  and  a  soli- 
taire. 

Then  shalt  thou  slip  the  bridle  over  his  head  and  the 
reins  shall  be  in  thine  hands.  And  there  shall  be  one 
less  Woman  Hater  in  the  world. 

For  a  Woman  Hater,  my  Beloved,  is  like  unto  the 
simple  ostrich,  which  hideth  its  head  in  the  sand  and 
thinketh  itself  safe. 

But  he  that  professeth  open  adoration  is  like  unto 
the  park  squirrel,  which  will  eat  out  of  thine  hand 
an  never  be  caught  I 


§  A  112 

Orchestra. 


nsur 


\  A  1121 

Orc*>c»tr«.  I 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  SIX 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


M 


Y  Daughter,  a  woman  is  a  study  in  moods 
and  tenses,  but  man  is  a  simple  prop- 
osition which  worketh  according  to  a 


"system". 

Behold,  how  the  two  regard  a  letter.  For  when  a 
woman  writeth  she  spelleth  her  soul  out  on  paper; 
but  a  man  putteth  all  his  tender  meanings  between 
the  lines.  Yea,  a  woman's  letter  is  a  confession,  but 
a  man's  letter  is  a  veiled  allusion  which  concealeth 
his  thoughts.  Verily,  it  is  a  work  of  art. 

Yet,  when  a  woman  receiveth  it,  she  readeth  it  over 
many  times,  and  placeth  it  within  her  shirtwaist  by 
day,  and  under  her  pillow  by  night.  For  she  know- 
eth  that,  with  temptations  like  unto  telephones  and 
post-cards  within  reach,  a  hand-written  letter  is  a 
sign  of  devotion. 

But,  when  a  man  receiveth  a  woman's  letter,  he 
droppeth  it  in  his  pocket.  Nay,  not  in  the  pocket 
above  his  heart,  but  in  that  pocket  which  containeth 
the  fewest  bills  and  receipts  and  lead  pencils  and 
other  valuable 


ami 


A 112 

I  Orchestrt 


BOOK 


O     F 


FLIRTS 


He  carryeth  it  there  faithfully — until  he  changeth 
his  coat. 

He  layeth  it  away  in  an  unused  drawer  amongst 
other  trash. 

He  forgetteth  it. 

And,  when  years  shall  have  passed,  he  findeth  it  and 
taketh  it  out  curiously. 

He  regardeth  it  with  astonishment. 

He  wrinkleth  his  brows  with  his  great  effort  at  re- 
collection, saying:  "Now  who  the  dickens  wrote 
this  thing?  Yea,  <who  is  'Mabel'?" 

He  giveth  it  up. 

And  lo !  he  proceedeth  to  make  pipe-lighters  of  thine 
heart-to-heart  effusion. 

Behold  thy  letter,  like  unto  his  love,  goeth  up  in 
smoke ! 


5  A  112 

|  Orchestra. 


FEW    THY    RINGS, 


BUI      MA  NY      THY 


BANGLES;    FORA 


FASCINATETH   HIM, 


EVEN  AS  THE  SOUND 


OF   A    RATTLE    FAS- 


=»=»=• 


T^HrJkl 


BOOK          OF          DAMSELS 


CHAPTER  ONE 


G 


Orchestra. 


IVE  ear,  my  Daughter,  and  receive  my  wis- 
dom, for  the  husband-hunt  leadeth  over  many 
hurdles  and  the  trail  of  the  Eligible  Thing 
aboundeth  in  pitfalls. 


Lo,  the  woods  are  full  of  men,  but  men  are  full  of 
strange  suspicions;  and  in  elusiveness  the  fox  is 
simple  beside  them. 

I  charge  thee,  seek  not  to  be  a  fashion-plate;  for  a 
human  "shriek"  giveth  warning  and  affrighteth  the 
game.  Verily  a  becoming  frock  of  home  manufacture 
is  more  to  be  desired  than  a  French  creation  which 
maketh  thee  to  resemble  a  bad  dream! 

Costly  thy  smile  as  thy  dentist  shall  make  it;  for  a 
pearl  in  the  mouth  exceedeth  two  on  the  finger. 
And  it  is  better  to  be  dead  than  unmissable. 

Cheap  thy  gloves,  if  need  be,  but  expensive  thy 
sachet ;  for  a  man  knoweth  not  scent  from  sentiment. 

Few  thy  rings,  but  many  thy  bangles ;  for  a  musical 
jingle  fascinateth  him  even  as  the  sound  of  a  rattle 
fascinateth  a  babe.  Yea,  manicured 


BOOK          OF          DAMSELS 

fectly  clean  cuffs  are  more  to  be  desired  in  the  world 
of  business  than  a  knowledge  of  stenography.  Mod- 
est thy  hats,  yet  chic  withal ;  and  thy  hair  glorious. 
For  a  cheap  coiffure  is  an  abomination,  but  a  made- 
to-order  switch  is  a  woman's  "crown  of  beauty". 

Look  not  upon  the  rouge-pot  when  it  is  too  red,  but 
delicate  thy  blushes  and  thy  complexion  put  on  with 
a  fine  brush  and  self-restraint. 

Plain  thy  coat,  but  frilly  thy  petticoat  and  of  all  silk ; 
for  a  feminine  "swish"  is  as  poetry  unto  the  mascu- 
line ear. 

Then,  I  say  unto  thee,  waste  not  thy  substance  upon 
style.  For  a  man  knoweth  not  last  year's  left-over 
from  this  year's  fad,  but  he  knoweth  a  "vision"  when 
he  seeth  her. 

Verily,  a  wise  virgin  hideth  her  light  under  a  bushel 
of  simplicity,  but  a  foolish  damsel  goeth  forth  re- 
sembling a  human  snare.  She  painteth  her  cheek 
as  with  house  paint,  and  gildeth  her  hair  with  much 
gold.  She  adorneth  herself  with  feathers  and  wear- 
eth  dangling  ear-rings.  And  at  sight  of  her  men  fly 
on  wings  of  fear. 

[50] 


j  A  112 


I  Orchesf  r«. 


BOOK 


O    F 


DAMSELS 


CHAPTER  TWO 


A  112 


H 


EAR  now,  the  Prayer  of  a  Damsel  of  Baby- 
lon, which  she  chanteth  in  her  heart : 
Angels  and  Ministers  of  Grace,  oh,  hear  me !    |  E  A 112 


Orchestra.  |    Bestow  upon  me,  I  pray  thee: 
The  smile  of  a  seraph. 
The  voice  of  a  dove. 
The  silence  of  the  Sphinx. 
The  eyes  of  an  houri. 
The  blindness  of  a  bat. 
The  figure  of  a  cloak  model. 
The  wisdom  of  Solomon. 
The  ways  of  a  kitten. 
The  conscience  of  a  cat. 
The  self-control  of  a  tin  soldier. 
The  pliability  of  a  sofa  cushion. 
The  capriciousness  of  an  automobile. 
The  sensitiveness  of  a  suet  pudding. 
The  intelligence  of  a  pet  clam. 
[51] 

m 


Orchestra. 


Orchestr 


The  sweetness  of  a  cream  puff. 

The  ambition  of  a  potato. 

The  meekness  of  a  door-mat. 

The  opinions  of  an  echo. 

The  fascinations  of  a  chorus  girl. 

The  patience  of  Griselda. 

The  mystery  of  the  Catacombs. 

The  faith  of  a  poodle. 

And  the  endurance  of  Atlas. 

These  things  I  ask  in  order  that  I  may  be  all  things 
unto  one  man ! 


DAMSELS 


BOOK 


O    F 


DAMSELS 


CHAPTER  THREE 


£  A  112 

Orchestr 


H 


OW  little,  O,  my  Daughter,  how  exceeding 
little  shall  satisfy  the  heart  of  a  woman! 

For  a  man's  love  is  like  unto  an  orchid, 
which  requireth  tender  persuasion  and  constant  cul- 
tivation. But  a  woman's  love  is  like  unto  an  air 
plant,  which  flourisheth  continually  upon  imagina- 
tion. 

Now,  I  knew  a  damsel  of  Babylon,  and  she  was  ex- 
ceeding fair,  having  dove's  eyes,  and  curling  locks, 
and  much  moneys,  and  a  motor  car. 
Wherefore  the  youths  of  the  land  flocked  unto  her 
house,  and  her  parlor  was  always  full,  and  her  piazza 
running  over. 

And  one  of  these  was  a  medal-winner,  called  Clod, 
who  possessed  a  football  figure  and  a  Gibson  profile. 
But  the  least  among  them  all  was  Wisenheimer,  who 
was  abbreviated  and  whose  hair  was  thin  upon  the 
top. 

And  Clod  come  unto  the  damsel,  bringing  his  medals 
and  his  loving  cups  and  divers  trophies.  And  when 
he  had  shown  them  all  and  had  told  her  of  his  deeds 


*=*=• 
E  n 


BOOK          OF          DAMSELS 

of  prowess,  he  sat  afar  off  in  a  corner  and  conversed 
of  generalities  and  of  himself. 

For  he  said  in  his  heart,  "When  she  hath  seen  what 
great  works  I  am  destined  to  accomplish,  then  will 
she  gladly  share  them  with  me  and  shine  in  my  re- 
flected glory." 

But  Wisenheimer  concentrated  all  his  conversation 
upon  one  topic,  saying : 

"How  marvellous  are  thine  eyes  to-night,  O  Star 
of  Beauty !  And  thy  lips  have  a  curve  like  unto  the 
smile  of  Mona  Lisa.  Thy  hair  is  of  a  wonderful  soft- 
ness; and  <what  is  that  fascinating  perfume  thou 
usest?  Lo,  many  damsels  have  I  known,  but  thou 
excellest  them  all ;  for  thou  art  as  Maxine  Elliot  and 
Lillian  Russell  and  the  Venus  de  Milo  in  one !" 

And  the  damsel  was  interested,  and  she  said: 
"Go  on!" 

Then  Wisenheimer  cast  himself  before  her  crying : 
"Lo,  what  am  I,  a  worm  and  a  parasite,  that  I  should 
aspire  to  thy  love? 

"Behold,  I  am  a  sinner  and  full  of  evil,  yet  I  need  the 
love  of  a  noble  'woman  to  save  me !  I  am  as  nothing, 


O    F 


DAMSELS 


and  have  accomplished  nothing,  yet  I  yearn  for  the 
inspiration  of  an  angel  to  guide  me  and  sustain  me 
and  spur  me  on  to  higher  things !" 

And  lo,  the  maiden  fell  upon  his  neck  and  comforted 

him  with  kisses  and  with  promises.    And  the  wed-    IOrchM 

ding  was  set  for  October. 

Yet  all  her  friends  said : 
What  doth  she  see  in  him!  " 

But  I  say  unto  thee,  the  maiden  was  wise.  For 
verily,  verily,  in  the  comedy  of  matrimony  there  is 
more  joy  in  being  a  star  than  in  being  an  under- 
siudyl 


OrchfStr*. 


B 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


DAM 


BEHOLD,  my  Daughter,  how  Man's  taste  con- 
cerning women  hath  changed! 
For  lo,  it  hath  come  to  pass  that  a  maiden  of 
sweet  and  simple  sixteen  is,  unto  a  matron  of  fair 
and  frivolous  forty,  as  breakfast  food  unto  caviar 
and  old  wine. 

Yea,  a  man  no  longer  yearneth  for  a  babe  to  cuddle ; 
and  a  clinging  vine  fretteth  him,  as  a  shoe  that 
squeaketh  or  a  chair  that  wobbleth.  Moreover,  he 
desireth  rich  things.  And  a  widow  with  many  shek- 
els hath  a  more  solid  attraction  than  a  damsel  with 
naught  but  beauties  of  the  soul. 

Go  to !  The  kiss  of  a  damsel  of  sixteen  is  more  in- 
sipid than  pink  ice-cream,  but  the  kiss  of  a  woman 
of  forty  hath  the  flavor  of  experience  and  vera 
violetta. 

Lo,  a  damsel  worshippeth  a  man  as  a  demi-god  and 
discourseth  unto  him  of  her  "ideals" ;  but  a  matron 
mothereth  him  and  cooeth  unto  him  in  baby  talk.  A 
damsel  discusseth  the  weather  with  a  youth  and 
singeth  "The  Rosary"  unto  him;  but  a  woman  of 

[56] 


BOOK 


O    F 


forty  discusseth  his  talents  and  singeth  him  lullabies. 
A  maiden  babbleth  on  as  the  brook,  thinking  to  be 
always  amusing,  but  a  matron  knoweth  that  after 
his  labors  of  the  day  a  man  preferreth  a  down  pillow 
unto  fireworks. 

A  maiden  pouteth  and  chafeth  beneath  his  "moods", 
but  a  matron  ascertaineth  whether  they  proceed 
from  indigestion  or  an  ingrowing  temperament,  and 
healeth  them  accordingly  with  soda  mints  or  flattery. 

A  maiden  seeketh  to  appear  mysterious,  and  roman- 
tic, but  a  matron  playeth  always  the  platonic  friend. 
She  is  so  simple. 

A  maiden  goeth  roundabout  ways  to  hasten  a  pro- 
posal, but  a  matron  seemeth  to  pat  it  off.  She  for- 
biddeth  him  to  speak  of  marriage,  even  as  she  for- 
biddeth  a  small  boy  to  touch  the  medicine  which  she 
hath  determined  he  shall  swallow.  And  lo,  he  yearn- 
eth  straightway  therefor. 

Verily,  verily,  a  maiden  goeth  forth  with  the  sound 
of  bugles  and  an  airgun,  but  a  matron  setteth  her 
i  unseen 


DAMSELS 


A  maiden  challengeth  a  man  with  coquettishness, 
but  a  matron  putteth  him  to  sleep!  For  no  man 
goeth  into  matrimony  with  his  eyes  open!  Verily, 


verily,  he  falleth  in  love  as  he  falleth  out  of  bed,  and 
3  A 112 1  ...  ...          .  .   „  „  5  A 112 


awakeneth  with  a  great  shock,  knowing  not  hcfo  it  tfei^i; 


hath  happened, 


BOOK 


DAMSELS 


CHAPTER  FIVE 

HAST  thou  heard  the  tale  of  the  wise  and 
foolish   virgins,  oh,  my   Daughter?    Then 
hearken !   For  this  parable  pointeth  a  great 
moral. 

Now,  the  foolish  virgin  cried  unto  her  sisters,  early 
in  the  season,  "Lo!  the  spirit  of  the  love-chase  is 
upon  me !  I  must  be  up  and  doing.  For  the  summer 
resort  shall  be  my  happy  hunting  ground,  where  the 
game  is  easy  and  plentiful." 

And  she  went  her  ways  rejoicing,  armed  with  three 
trunks  and  a  pink  parasol  and  girded  about  with 
lingerie  frocks  and  a  silk  bathing  suit. 
Yet,  when  she  had  arrived  upon  the  scene,  behold 
there  was  naught  within  sight!  Lo,  each  morning 
she  wandered  upon  the  beach  with  one  callow  col- 
lege-youth and  each  evening  danced  gladly  with  a 
flirtatious  octogenarian.  All  the  damsels  of  the 
hotel,  they  waltzed  in  pairs  and  pretended  to  like  it ! 
But  the  wise  virgin  sighed,  "Alas!  I  cannot  afford 
to  go  upon  a  vacation  trip.  Nay  I  must  stay  in  town ! 


Orchestra. 


BOOK 


O    F 


DAMSE 


For,  when  all  the  other  women  had  departed,  the 
men  of  the  town,  being  much  bored  and  having 
naught  else  to  do,  flocked  unto  her  door  and  made 
themselves  comfortable  upon  her  piazza. 

Yea,  in  twos  and  threes  came  they,  the  simple  youth 
with  his  mandolin  and  the  wise  youth  with  his 
Rubaiyat,  the  married  man  in  his  loneliness,  and  the 
bachelor  whose  sweetheart  was  abroad. 

And  she  fed  them  iced  drinks  and  flattery,  and  they 
absorbed  all  of  it  gladly — and  were  consoled ! 

And  lo,  before  the  summer  had  waned  she  wore  six 
engagement  rings ;  for  the  harvest  was  plentiful. 

Verily,  verily,  a  summer  resort  is  a  place  wherein  a 
woman  will  resort  to  anything,  from  a  babe  unto  a 
grandfather,  for  amusement ;  but  a  womanless  town 
is  a  ripe  field. 


[60] 


BOOK 


O    F 


DAMSELS 


CHAPTER  SIX 

OH,  ye  damsels  of  Babylon !    Ye  followers  after 
fads  and  wearers  of  pearl  earrings!    How 
long  will  ye  seek  to    appear    sophisticated? 
How  long  will  ye  continue  to  pose  as  cynics,  and 
think  it  chic  to  be  satirical  and  piquant  to  be  ca- 
pricious? 

Know  ye  not,  oh  foolish  ones,  that  a  man  dreadeth  a 
female  cynic  as  a  small  boy  dreadeth  an  education? 
Yea,  and  a  satirical  damsel  is  unto  him  as  a  cater- 
pillar upon  the  neck,  which  maketh  him  to  shudder. 
But  a  capricious  woman  is  as  gravel  in  the  shoes. 
She  giveth  him  great  pain. 

Behold,  a  foolish  damsel  seeketh  always  to  scin- 
tillate. She  appeareth  clothed  in  worldly  wisdom 
and  bristling  with  opinions.  She  provoketh  argu- 
ments and  answereth  with  repartee.  She  mocketh 
at  a  man's  sentiments  and  rebuketh  him  with  epi- 
grams. She  maketh  him  to  look  foolish. 
But  a  wise  damsel  is  sweeter  than  distilled  honey 
and  more  simple  than  the  plot  of  a  Robert  Cham- 
bers novel.  She  lighteth  her  own  way  with  the  sun 
of  her  smiles,  and  smootheth  all  her  paths  with  soft 
[61] 


A 112 

I  Orchestra. 


BOOK 


O    F 


DAMSELS 


soap.  She  seeketh  not  her  own  glorification  but 
poureth  oil  upon  the  vanity  of  the  just  and  unjust 
alike. 


Doth  a  youth  argue  with  her,  she  is  easily  convinced  f 
and  covereth  him  with  approbation,  saying:  "How  j 


didst  thou  ever  think  of  that?" 

And,  lo,  his  argument  is  broken  against  him. 

Doth  her  Beloved  call  at  eve,  bringing  with  him  the 
grouch  "that  knoweth  no  brother",  she  greeteth  him 
with  the  smile  that  knoweth  no  sister. 

She  ministereth  unto  him  with  cooling  drinks  and 
looks  of  sympathy. 

She  bringeth  him  the  ash-tray  and  the  shaded  lamp 
and  the  foot-stool  and  the  newspapers. 

She  urgeth  him  to  smoke. 
She  forbeareth  to  talk. 

And  behold  his  mood  dissolveth  as  the  mist  before 
the  sun,  and  he  exclaimeth  in  his  heart:  "Good 
Heavens!  What  would  life  be  without  this 


And  all  the  days  of  her  life  she  treadeth  upon  velvet. 

Verily,  verily,  a  wise  woman  preferreth  peace  of 
mind  unto  her  own  opinions,  comfort  unto  her  dig- 
nity, and  an   husband   unto  a  reputation  for  bril-  |  \  A 112 
liancy.  She  saith  in  her  heart  : 

"I  am  not  here  to  reform  him,  but  to  please  him." 

And,  lo,  all  the  world  is  her  roller  coaster!    For  the 
price  of  peace  is  a  perpetual  smile  1 

SELAH. 


VERILY,    VERILY,    MY 


DAUGHTER,   THE   FOOL 
ATH   SAID    IN    HER 


EART,     'ALL    MEN 


SHOULD  MARRY!     FOR 


THERE    [S   A  REASON 


R    EVERY      H    NG 


UNDER  THE  SUN,  SAVE 


A  BACHELOR' 


BOOK         OF 


CHAPTER  ONE 


BACHELORS 


GO  to,  my  Daughter.     Knowest  thou  a  man 
who  hath  lived  long  in  a  bachelor  flat?  Then 
beware  of  him!     For  his  ways  are  full  of 
guile  and  he  hath  not  a  thrill  left. 

Alas,  the  bachelor  flat  is  a  curse  sent  upon  Woman. 
For,  lo,  though  a  man  hath  dwelt  in  the  back  hall- 
room  of  a  boarding-house  for  many  years  and  hath 
suffered  all  its  untold  horrors,  the  moment  he  taketh 
a  flat  the  sweet  feminine  thing  seeketh  him  out  and 
yearneth  to  make  him  "comfortable". 

And  his  days  are  made  sad  with  sofa  pillows  and 
towel  racks,  and  picture  frames,  and  shaving-pads, 
and  foot-stools,  until  his  house  resembleth  a  bargain 
counter,  or  the  spoils  from  the  harem  of  a  sacked 
city. 

He  groaneth  when  he  seeketh  in  corners  for  a  spot 
wherein  to  place  his  forty-seventh  cushion;  he 
curseth  when  he  returneth  after  dark  and  falleth 
over  tabourets  and  other  evidences  of  the  pursuit 
of  man;  he  laugheth  as  he  borroweth  old  socks  from 
his  men  friends  that  he  may  supply  all  of  those  who 
I67] 


§  A  112 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 

desire  to  do  his  mending.  And  to  him,  in  matters  of 
love,  there  is  nothing  new  under  the  sun. 

For  the  man  that  weddeth  a  widow  is  number  two, 
but  the  woman  that  weddeth  a  bachelor-flatee  is 
number  forty-favo. 

And  when  she  mendeth  his  coat  and  patteth  his  pil- 
low; when  she  kisseth  him  in  the  cleft  within  his 
chin  and  runneth  her  fingers  through  his  hair,  he 
feeleth  no  thrill.  For  these  are  unto  him  but  as  a 
tale  that  hath  been  many  times  told. 

Verily,  his  sentiments  are  frayed  at  the  edges  and 
his  emotions  worn  thin  with  usage.  His  heart  is 
patched  in  many  places  and  his  illusions  are  as  last 
year's  roses — withered. 

Yea,  his  love  is  but  as  warmed-over  pudding  or  cold 
veal  served  upon  the  second  day;  even  as  second- 
hand furniture,  whereof  the  interior  is  motheaten. 

But  he  is  better  than  nothing. 


j  A  112 

I  Orchestra.  I 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 


CHAPTER  TWO 


§  A  112  i 

Orchestr*.  I 


V 


ERILY,  verily,  my  Daughter,  the  fool  hath 
said  in  her  heart,  "All  men  should  marry! 
For  there  is  a  reason  for  everything  under 


the  sun,  save  a  bachelor/' 

But  I  have  gone  among  the  bachelors,  questioning 

them,  young  and  old;   and   I  say  unto   thee,  the 

"reasons"  why  a  man  taketh  a  stimulant  are  not 

more  numerous  and  wonderful  than  the  reasons  why 

he  doth  not  marry. 

Behold,  he  doth  not  marry  :• 

Because  he  is  too  young. 

Because  he  is  too  old. 

Because  he  hath  not   thought  about  it. 

Because  he  hath  thought  too  much  about  it. 

Because  he  is  poor  and  cannot  afford  a  wife. 

Because  he  is  rich  and  doth  not  require  a  wife. 

Because  he  loveth  no  woman. 

Because  he  loveth  all  women. 

Because  he  hath  not  met  the  right  woman. 

[69] 


/Oj 


BOOK 


OF        BACHELORS 


Because  he   hath   met  the  right  woman  and  been 
"disappointed". 

Because  he  hath  many  illusions  concerning  women. 

Because  he  hath  no  illusions  concerning  them. 

Because  no  woman  is  good  enough. 

Because  he  is  not  "good  enough"  for  any  woman. 

Because  he  is  not  ready  to  settle  down. 

Because  he  is  already  settled  down,  and  is  content. 

Because  he  is  <weak  and  fearful. 

Because  he  is  strong  and  impregnable. 

And,  likewise — just  because. 


»=*=• 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 


CHAPTER  THREE 


H 


EARKEN,  my  Daughter,  unto  the  parable  of 
the  merrie  bachelor;  hearken  and  be  com- 
forted. 

For,  I  say  unto  thee,  not  one  of  these  liveth  but  shall 
receive  his  just  desert ! 

Now,  in  my  youth,  there  came  unto  me  such  an  one, 
saying,  "  Why  shall  I  marry?  For  lo,  have  I  not  all 
the  comforts  of  home,  at  half  the  expense?  Behold, 
I  have  three  good  meals  a  day  and  a  den  filled  with 
gew-gaws,  which  are  the  work  of  many  damsels. 
Yea,  and  not  one  of  them  but  yearneth  to  sew  on  my 
buttons. 

"Moreover,  I  can  go  forth  into  the  country  in  the 
summer  time  without  having  to  pawn  mine  over- 
coat ;  and  in  the  winter  I  can  go  unto  my  club  with- 
out having  to  perjure  my  soul. 

"Verily,  verily,  my  life  is  like  unto  an  eleven-course 
dinner. 

"For  on  Monday  I  may  talk  art  unto  a  high-browed 
damsel;  and  on  Tuesday  I  may  talk  l&ve  unto  a 
widow;  and  on  Wednesday  I  may  talk  nonsense 
unto  a  fluffy  thing. 


A  112 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 

"But  a  married  man  must  talk  domestic  economy 
unto  the  same  woman  every  night,  which  is  like  a 
table  d'hote  menu,  of  a  deadening  monotony. 

"Behold,  I  offer  no  apology  for  my  singleness;  for 
I  am  unashamed!   And  my  one  fear  is  that  I  shall 
awaken  from  this  dream  I  " 
And  I  answered  him,  saying,  "Even  so!" 

Yet,  as  time  passed,  the  hairs  dropped  one  by  one 
from  the  head  of  the  bachelor,  until  it  shone  as  a 
great  light. 

Lo,  from  eating  and  drinking  much  good  food  and 
having  no  worries,  he  became  round  and  pudgy,  like 
unto  a  Billiken. 

And  the  maidens  of  the  land  who  had  trembled  at  his 
approach  now  tittered  merrily  at  sight  of  him.  Yea, 
whereas,  before,  he  had  been  able  to  spend  an  whole 
evening  with  one  of  them,  bringing  a  box  of  cheap 
candy,  he  now  spent  all  his  savings  upon  them. 

For  it  requireth  real  orchids  and  champagne  to  make 
a  fat  man  fascinating. 

And  he  observed  the  married  men  of  his  acquaint- 
ance, that  from  overworking  they  had  still  kept  their 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 


£  A  1121 

Orchestra  I 


figures  and  were  interesting.  Yea,  and  they  flirted 
with  their  stenographers  and  were  merry;  but  the 
bachelor  not  having  to  labor  had  accomplished  noth- 
ing ;  for  he  had  spent  his  days  in  yawning. 

Then  he  came  unto  me,  crying  : 

"Lo  !  At  last  I  would  marry  and  settle  down.  But 
she  that  I  once  loved  hath  married  another.  And 
how  shall  I  choose  a  wife?  For  all  women  are  as 
one  woman  unto  me." 

And  I  mocked  him  with  my  ha-has,  saying: 

"My  Son,  I  adjure  thee,  wed  any  woman  thou 
canst!  For  the  buds  of  the  Nation  are  not  collecting 
antiques.  Yet,  peradventure,  one  of  these  shall  ac- 
cept thee  as  a  good  thing;  or  another  shall  take  thee 
as  a  last  resort,  when  she  hath  passed  her  fifth 
season.  Go  to!  Thou  hast  eaten  the  bread  of  life 
without  honey  thereon,  and  thou  shalt  hereafter  be 
satisfied  with  the  crumbs.  " 

Verily,  verily,  life  without  love,  is  as  a  pipe  without 
a  light;  but  a  man  without  a  wife  is  as  a  helpless 
barge  without  a  tow-boat. 


A 112 

I  Orchestra  I 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 

CHAPTER  FOUR 

Y  Daughter,  hear  now  the  Thanksgiving 

Day  prayer  of  a  bachelor: 

Oh,  Lord,  I  thank  Thee  that  Thou  hast 
vouchsafed  me  another  year  of  freedom.  That  I  am 
still  safe ! 

That  Thou  hast  made  me  what  I  am — wise,  uncon- 
querable, immune! 

That,  although  I  have  many  times  lost  my  heart,  I 
have  never  yet  lost  my  head. 

That  I  did  not  marry  my  first  love. 

That,  though  the  hairs  of  my  head  be  numbered, 
they  are  still  sufficient  to  cover  my  bald  spot. 

That,  though  my  forehead  gradually  becometh  more 
intellectual,  it  is  not  yet  bare. 

That  I  have  never  yet  written  a  letter  which  could 
be  held  against  me  in  a  breach-of-promise  suit,  but 
have  confined  all  my  tender  messages  unto  telegrams 
and  postcards. 

That  all  my  words  have  been  discreet  and  mine  ac- 
tions cautious  and  self-restrained. 

[74] 


BOOK        OF        BACHELORS 

That,  although  maidens  may  bestow  upon  me  purple 
neckties,  spotted  scarfs,  plaid  mufflers  and  orange- 
colored  gloves  at  Christmastide,  I  shall  not  be  re- 
e  A  112i   quired  to  wear  them. 

That  I  am  still  regarded  as  eligible  among  maidens 
and  matrons.   That  they  have  not  found  me  out  I 


Orchvctm 


5  A  112 

I  Orctiestr* 


That,  day  by  day,  my  heart  is  acquiring  a  coat  of 
cement  and  my  conscience  a  coat  of  mail. 

That  I  have  carefully  preserved  all  my  emotions  in 
alcohol ! 

That  there  is  no  marrying  nor  giving  in  marriage  in 
Heaven ! 

Yea,  for  good  cigars,  bachelor  flats,  vaudeville,  briar 
pipes,  clubs,  apartment  hotels,  stenographers,  comic 
operas,  taxicabs  and  widows,  Good  Lord  I  thank 
Thee! 

And  now  in  the  name  of  peace  and  contentment, 
vouchsafe  me  another  year  of  single  blessedness. 


Yea,  give  me  liberty  or  give  me  death !    Amen ! 


§  A 

Orchf«tr«.  I 


WHEN  HER  SHOE 
COMETH  UNTIED, 
WHEN  HER  SIDE-COMB 
FALLETH  OUT,  WHEN 
HER  HAIR  TUMBLETH 
DOWN,  TURN  AWAY 
THINE  EYES,  LEST 
THOU  BE  UNDONE. 
FOR  CIRCE  WAS  AS 
NAUGHT  BESIDE  A 
WOMAN  WITH  FLOW- 


§  A  112 


, 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  ONE 


O     F 


SIRENS 


B 


EHOLD,  my  Daughter,  I  have  parted  from 
mine  Appendix  and  my  conscience  is  clear! 
Therefore  do  I  fear  but  three  things  in  all  |  §  A  112 


the  world: 

And  the  first  of  these  is  a  mouse. 
And  the  second  is  embonpoint. 
But  the  third  is  a  Trained  Nurse  I 
For  I  have  watched  her  at  her  work. 

And,  I  charge  thee,  in  the  flutter  of  her  apron  there 
lurketh  more  danger  than  in  the  whole  chorus  of  a 
comic  opera.  For  a  chorus  girl  practiseth  her  wiles 
upon  strong  men,  but  she  seeketh  him  only  that  is 
stricken  and  at  her  mercy. 

Yea,  when  he  is  down-and-out  she  getteth  in  her 
fine  work. 

Upon  her  head  she  weareth  a  cute  cap,  which  glori- 
fieth  her  as  a  halo  in  his  sight.  She  walketh  upon 
heels  of  velvet  and  cooeth  unto  him  in  a  voice  of 
silver. 

[79] 


BOOK  OF  SIRENS 

Her  smile  runneth  over  and  will  not  come  off. 
She  hath  dove's  eyes. 

She  batheth  his  brow  with  spikenard  and  myrrh,  and 
anointeth  him  with  alcohol.  She  arrangeth  his  pil- 
lows and  comforteth  his  soul  with  words  of  cheer. 
She  taketb  his  pulse  I 


He  yearneth  to  be  babied — and  she  babyeth  him. 
He  pineth  for  sympathy — and  she  sympathizeth. 

He  seeketh  comfort — and  she  maketh  him  comfort- 
able. 

And  <whai  chance  hath  a  damsel  at  a  pink  tea  beside 
a  ministering  angel  such  as  one  of  these? 

Go  to,  thou  Simple  One !  What  strength  is  there  in 
a  sick  man  that  he  shall  flee  before  all  the  tempta- 
tions of  St.  Anthony,  in  one? 

Nay,  though  he  be  of  stone  and  of  adamant,  though 
his  heart  be  encased  in  barbed  wire,  yet  shall  he  turn 


SIRENS 


BOOK 


"Alas  Miriam  is  all  right ;  but  a  wife   was  never 
like  this!" 


Yet  how  guileless  is  human  nature!     For,  ye  will    ( 

...  i  i      _  • i^    i_  _  5    A  11 


keep  your  silver  in  a  strong  box  and  your  jewels  be- 


hind bars  of  iron;  yet  will  ye  trust  your  beloved  in 
the  hands  of  one  of  these. 


Verily,  verily,  the  Lorelei  is  passee  and  witches  are 
no  more. 


But  a  Little  Trained  Nurse  is  a  dangerous  thing  I 


• 


Orctie«tr«. 


BOOK  OF  SIRENS 


CHAPTER  TWO 


V 


ERILY,  my  Daughter,  there  be  these  three: 
the  maid,  the  matron,  and  the  widow;  and 
the  luckiest  of  these  is  the  widow. 


For  she  hath  graduated  from  the  School  of  Experi- 
ence and  her  crepe  veil  glorifieth  her  as  a  diploma. 

And,  though  she  may  live  in  a  bachelor  flat,  none 
shall  gossip  about  her;  but  whatsoever  she  doeth 
shall  seem  "cute"  in  the  eyes  of  men. 

When  she  talketh  wittily  they  shall  not  say,  '"She 
knoweth  too  much" ;  and  when  she  talketh  foolishly 
they  shall  declare  that  she  but  seeketh  to  appear 
simple.  If  she  smoketh  a  cigarette,  she  will  make 
excuse,  saying,  "Mine  husband  taught  me  how  to 
do  this  thing",  and  all  men  shall  call  her  "fascinat- 
ing". 

Yea,  she  possesseth  all  the  glory  of  matrimony,  even 
unto  "Mrs."  on  her  name,  and  none  of  the  discom- 
forts. She  shall  marry  a  second  time  if  she  so  de- 
sireth;  and  if  she  doth  not,  who  shall  say  that  she 
could  not? 

[82] 


A  112 


BOOK 


O     F 


SIRENS 


5  A 

Orchestra 


For  one  man  hath  set  his  seal  of  approval  upon  her, 
and  where  one  hath  led  the  rest  shall  follow  like  unto 
a  flock  of  Geese.  Yea,  in  the  matter  of  women,  man 
hath  great  faith  in  the  judgment  of  his  brother,  but 
he  doubteth  his  own  taste. 

And,  though  a  widow  be  neither  wealthy,  nor  good 
to  look  upon;  though  she  be  fat  and  forty  and  friv- 
olous; yet  she  understandeth  how  to  make  a  man 
comfortable — which  is  the  secret  of  all  wisdom.  She 
shall  feed  the  lambs  from  the  chafing-dish  and  the 
lions  with  honeyed  words;  she  shall  coax  the 
smoker  to  smoke;  she  shall  hold  a  match  to  his 
cigar;  she  shall  bring  a  footstool  for  his  feet  and  a 
couch  pillow  for  his  head ;  she  shall  mend  his  gloves 
and  listen  eagerly  to  his  stories  unto  seven  times 
seven  times. 

Yet  envy  her  not,  my  daughter,  for  hath  she  not 
been  married  once?  And  a  woman  who  hath  once 
been  married  hath  earned  whatsoever  she  receiveth. 


BOOK  OF  SIRENS 


CHAPTER  THREE 


H 


EED  my  instructions,  oh  my  Son,  that  thou 
mayest  understand  the  Seven  Poses  of 
Woman ! 


Anz 

I  Orchestra 


For,  whether  she  dwelleth  in  the  high  places  or  in 
the  low  places,  her  nets  are  cast  into  the  sea,  and 
her  hooks  are  bated  with  perfume  and  chafing-dishes 
and  domesticity. 

Yea,  though  she  hideth  in  a  studio  apartment  and 
cryeth  "I  shall  never  marry!",  yet  doth  she  seek  to 
lure  thee  with  joss  sticks  and  pink  tea  and  rarebits 
and  the  artistic  temperament. 

Likewise,  beware  when  she  patteth  thy  coat  lapel; 
when  she  slippeth  her  hand  confidingly  into  thine 
overcoat  pocket  be  not  persuaded.  For  the  touch  of 
a  damsel's  fingers  is  alluring,  but  a  wife's  "touch" 
is  expensive. 

Lo,  when  she  mothereth  thee ;  when  she  runneth  her 
fingers  through  thy  top  hair;  when  she  inquireth 
concerning  thy  health  and  urgeth  thee  to  wear  rub- 

[84] 


BOOK 


O    F 


SIRENS 


Orctip.tr* 


bers,  be  prepared  to  escape  her;  for,  so  doth  she 
shear  the  lamb  for  the  slaughter. 

When  her  shoe  cometh  untied,  when  her  side-comb 
falleth  out,  when  her  hair  tumbleth  down,  in  the 
game  of  tennis,  turn  away  thine  eyes,  lest  thou  be 
undone.  For,  Circe  was  as  naught,  beside  a  woman 
with  flowing  hair. 

When  she  "turneth"  her  ankle  upon  the  golf  links, 
I  charge  thee  do  not  bear  her  in  thine  arms  to  safety ; 
but,  for  thy  soul's  sake,  flee  in  search  of  a  doctor, 
'ere  she  turneth  thine  head  also. 

When  she  putteth  perfume  upon  thy  locks,  oh  be- 
ware of  her !  For  she  doeth  this  that  she  may  mark 
thee  for  her  own  ;  and,  until  it  be  washed  away,  thou 
shalt  be  covered  with  shame  in  the  eyes  of  the 
world. 

But,  when  she  coaxeth  thee  to  be  adorned,  when  she 
seeketh  to  manicure  thy  nails  ;  when  she  patteth  thy 
fingers  and  yearneth  to  bathe  them  with  sweet  oint- 
ments; when  she  weareth  a  cute  apron  and  sitteth 
more  near,  I  charge  thee,  clasp  thine  hands  behind 
thee,  crying: 
[85] 


Orcbestr*. 


' 


BOOK 


SIRENS 


Nay !   Thou  mayest  bold  them,  but  thou  shalt   not 
manicure  them!" 


For  by  this  strategy  fell  the  Benedicts. 


'£l    Goto,  my  Son!    Ask  me  not  how  I  have  learned  of   j 
Woman,  concerning  all  her  poses. 


Orchectr*. 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


O    F 


SIRENS 


THE  secret  musings  of  thy  Father  Solomon, 
found  in  his  diary,  concealed  in  the  pocket 
of  his  smoking  jacket  and  privily  copied  by 
thy  Mother. 

Read  now  his  libellous  words,  my  Daughter,  and 
ponder  thereon;  for  he  hath  known  much  girl: 

"Verily,  verily,  in  all  the  world,  there  be  but  two 
things  which  have  power  to  disconcert  me. 

"A  Meerschaum  Pipe  is  one  of  these. 
'The  other  is  a  woman. 

"And,  so  like  is  the  first  unto  the  second,  that  I 
doubt  not  the  former  is  but  a  reincarnation  of  the 
latter. 

"Lo,  I  have  colored  upward  of  twenty  meerschaums, 
and  have  made  love  unto  upward  of  seven  hundred 
damsels.  And  I  say  unto  thee,  not  one  of  them  hath 
been  worth  the  struggle  nor  repaid  the  toil  and 
travail. 


5  A  112 

I  Orchestra 


BOOK 


O    F 


SIRENS 


A112! 

OrcWtr*.  I 


"Behold,  how  he  wooeth  a  woman  at  great  expense. 

"How  joyfully  he  flingeth  away  his  shekels  that  they 
may  be  covered  with  silver  and  fine  gold! 

"How  tenderly  he  encaseth  them  in  velvet! 

"With  what  care  and  delicacy  he  wasteth  his  golden 
hours  in  the  coloring  of  his  pipe ! 

"With  what  pains  and  ingenuity  he  wasteth  golden 
years  in  winning  the  heart  of  a  woman ! 

"How  lovingly  he  burneth  tobacco  for  the  one! 
How  patiently  he  burneth  incense  before  the  other ! 

"Yet,  lo,  a  sudden  coldness — and  the  pipe  hath 
snapped!  A  sudden  chilliness — and  the  woman's 
love  is  shattered ! 

"Or  let  the  fire  within  the  meerschaum's  bowl  wax 
too  hot,  or  the  ardor  of  his  devotion  unto  the  woman 
wax  too  intense — and  behold  the  pipe  is  ruined  and 
the  woman  is  spoiled  forever ! 

"And  it  is  all  ap  with  him ! 


A 112 

I  Orchestra 


which  having  once 


BOOK 


O    F 


SIRENS 


\  A  112 

Orchestra.  I 


no  longer  be  pursued.'  But  I  say  unto  thee,  thy  pur- 
suing is  never  finished ;  thy  task  is  never  done ! 

"For,  seven  times  seven  weeks,  mayest  thou  devote 
thyself  unto  a  meerschaum,  and  seven  times  seven 
months,  unto  a  damsel! 


Orchestra. 


"Yet  if  thou  layest  them  aside,  and  thinkest  to  cease 
from  thy  devotions  for  but  a  little  while,  lo,  the  pipe 
hath  faded — and  the  woman  hath  forgotten  thee. 

"Verily,  verily,  there  is  no  rest  for  a  peaceful  man ! 
For,  life  with  a  pipe,  or  a  woman,  is  all  toil  and 
travail  and  vexation. 

"Yet  life  without  them  is  all  weariness  and  desola- 
tion!" 


VERILY,  VERILY,  EVEN 
THY  FATHER  SOLOMON, 

A  112  |  |  5  A  112 


Orctwst 


HjHIMSELF,  HAD  NOT 
MORE  THAN  ENOUGH 
WIVES.  FOR  EVERY 
MAN  REQUIRETH  AT 
LEAST  TWO  SOUL- 
MATES.  ONE  TO  AMUSE 
HIM-AND  ONE  TO  WAIT 
UPON  HIM 


Orchestra. 


Orchestra. 


BOOK       OF       ADMONITIONS 

CHAPTER  ONE 

MY  Daughter,  hearken  unto  my  words,  and 
attend  diligently  to  my  counsel;  for  the 
understanding  of  Man  is  the  beginning  of 
a  good  income,  and  a  knowledge  of  his  ways  more 
profitable  than  a  higher  education. 


Behold,  a  woman  delighteth  to  travel  the  path  of 
love  slowly  and  through  devious  by-ways  of  flirta- 
tion and  sentiment,  but  a  man  rusheth  over  it  at  the 
speed  limit. 

Unto  a  woman,  the  first  kiss  is  but  the  start  in  the 
love  chase,  but  unto  a  man  it  is  ofttimes  the  finish. 

Lo,  when  a  woman  weddeth  a  man,  it  is  in  order  that 
she  may  get  him;  but  when  a  man  weddeth  a 
woman,  it  is  in  order  that  he  may  prevent  another 
from  getting  her. 

Yea,  verily,  when  a  woman  clingeth  unto  single 
blessedness,  it  is  because  she  hath  met  no  man  with 
whom  she  could  endure  to  live;  but,  when  a  man 
remaineth  a  bachelor,  it  is  because  he  hath  met  no 
woman  without  whom  he  cannot  live. 

[931 


Or<*»« 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITI 


A  man  weddeth  a  woman  in  order  to  escape  loneli- 
ness, and  immediately  thereafter  joineth  a  club  in 
order  to  escape  the  woman. 

Ke  marryeth  a  damsel  because  she  appealeth  to  his 
"higher  nature",  and  spendeth  all  the  rest  of  his 
days  seeking  after  those  who  appeal  to  his  lower 
nature. 


A  woman  is  cast  down  with  doubts  lest  a  man  doth 
not  love  her ;  but  a  man  never  troubleth  his  soul,  as 
to  whether  or  not  a  woman  loveth  him,  but  as  to 
whether  or  not  he  wanteth  her  to  love  him. 

Behold,  an  honest  woman  may  cheat  at  cards,  but 
never  at  love;  but  he  considereth  himself  an  "hon- 
orable man"  that  never  cheateth  at  a  game  of  poker 
though  he  never  playeth  fair  at  the  game  of  hearts. 

Go  to !  Think  no  man  in  love  while  he  flattereth 
thee  and  extolleth  all  thy  ways;  but,  when  he  be- 
ginneth  to  moralize  and  to  criticise  thy  hats,  then 
mayest  thou  plan  thy  trousseau. 

When  he  saveth  thy  life  it  may  be  for  chivalry's 
sake;  but  when  he  carryeth  an  umbrella  to  please 
thee  it  is  for  love's  sake. 

[94] 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 

Be  not  set  up  when  a  man  giveth  thee  the  key  to 
his  heart,  for,  peradventure,  upon  the  following  day, 
he  may  change  the  lock! 


'  A 112!  ^en,  how  shall  a  woman  understand  a  man,  since    , 

<Lh*»trJ  they  are  *#  cut  upon  the  bias  I 

Verily,  verily,  by  turning  him  around,  my  Daughter, 
and  reading  him  badtoard,  even  as  a  Chinese  laun- 
dry ticket! 


[95] 


OF        ADMONITI 


CHAPTER  TWO 


OW  long,  oh,  ye  Easy  Ones,  shall  men  con- 
tinue to  call  ye  "kitten"  when  they  are  senti- 
mental and  "ca/"when  they  wax  cynical? 


Verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  thee,  the  ways  of  a  man 
are  the  ways  of  Grimalkin;  for  doth  not  a  cat,  and 
likewise  a  man,  prize  his  dignity  above  all  things 
else  in  the  heavens  above,  or  in  the  earth  beneath,  or 
in  the  subways  under  the  earth? 

Moreover,  doth  not  a  cat,  and  likewise  a  man,  seek 
out  all  the  soft  places  upon  the  face  of  the  earth,  and 
all  the  most  comfortable  spots  within  the  house,  and 
all  the  easy  chairs  of  the  office? 

Yea,  doth  not  a  man,  even  as  a  cat,  wander  abroad 
at  night  and  return  only  at  mealtimes? 

Doth  not  a  cat,  and  also  a  man,  cling  unto  the 
woman  that  maketh  him  most  comfortable  and 
stroketh  him  the  right  way,  but  revile  and  despise 
her  that  disturbeth  his  meditations  and  arouseth  him 
from  his  slumbers? 

[96] 


§  A 112 

Orchestra  I 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 

Doth  not  a  cat  flee  in  terror  from  one  that  flingeth 
cold  water  upon  his  coat,  and  a  man  from  her  that 
flingeth  cold  water  upon  his  vanity? 

Doth  not  a  man,  like  unto  a  cat,  struggle  to  escape 
when  he  is  held  tightly,  yet  remain  cheerfully  where 
he  is  not  wanted? 

Doth  not  a  cat,  and  likewise  a  man,  flee  fearfully 
from  that  which  is  flung  at  his  head — whether  it  be 
a  bone,  or  a  plate,  or  a  woman  ? 

And,  being  "dropped,"  doth  not  a  cat  and  likewise 
a  man,  land  always  upon  his  feet  and  depart  in 
search  of  consolation? 

Lo,  if  thou  pursuest  a  cat  and  a  man  with  thine 
endearments  will  they  not  shrink  from  thee,  with 
vexation  ? 

But,  if  thou  ignorest  them,  will  they  not  sit  de- 
votedly at  thy  feet? 


A 112 


Go  to !   I  say  unto  thee  a  <woma.n  is  not  as  a  tabby, 
but  as  a  Faithful  Fido  which  cannot  be  shaken  off. 


OF        ADMONITIONS 

She  followeth  a  man  whithersoever  he  goeth,  accept- 
ing gladly  a  pat  upon  the  head  and  a  kind  word,  and 
lying  down  at  his  feet  to  be  stepped  on. 

Verily,  verily,  why  doth  a  spinster  console  herself 

:ne»ir»  i  ... 

~f?\  with  a  cat  in  her  loneliness? 

Even  because  this  is  the  only  thing  which  can  be 
found  to  resemble  a  man  I 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 

CHAPTER  THREE 

LO,  while  a  man  courteth  a  maiden  he  saith 
unto  her : 

"Beloved,  /  adore  the  waves  and  frivols  of 
thy  hair!  The  neatness  of  thy  waistline  is  my  de- 
light ;  and  what  is  that  subtile  sachet  which  maketh 
thee  to  remind  me  always  of  the  rose  of  morning?" 

But  in  his  heart  he  saith : 

"Yet,  when  we  are  married,  then  shall  I  teach  her 
not  to  wear  false  ringlets,  and  the  imported  com- 
plexion which  she  now  putteth  on  shall  she  abjure. 

"Verily  from  the  using  of  that  awful  scent  shall  I 
break  her,  and  from  the  wearing  of  corsets  shall  I 
rescue  her !  For  we  shall  then  be  one,  and  I  shall  be 
that  one  I" 

And  while  a  damsel  seeketh  to  allure  a  man  she 
saith  unto  him: 

"Thou  art  so  sensible.  Yea,  I  pray  thee,  continue  to 
,wear  a  comfortable  collar  always;  for  why  shalt 
thou  suffer  for  style's  sake?  Lo,  thy  beard  and  thy 
mustache,  they  are  so  characteristic;  and  in  a  soft 
hat  thou  hast  real  personality  I" 


A 112 

[Orchestra. 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 


But  in  her  heart  she  muttereth : 
"Go  to!  When  I  have  him  safe, then  shall  I  entice 
him  to  put  on  a  high  collar,  even  unto  four  inches; 
and  the  shaving  of  his  face  will  require  but  two 
weeks !  Yea,  and  that  quaint  top-piece  shall  he  ex- 
change for  a  derby  within  the  first  month.  For  I 
know/a5/  what  he  needeth!" 

Verily,  verily,  even  in  the  hour  of  their  courtship,  do 
they  prepare  for  war! 

Even  while  she  poureth  his  wine,  doth  she  deter- 
mine that  he  shall  become  a  teetotaler !    Even  while 
he  passeth  her  the  sweetmeats  doth  he  plan  to  put 
her  on  a  diet,  'ere  she  acquire  embonpoint. 
As  enemies  before  the  battle,  do  they  exchange 
civilities,  saying  "How  congenial  we  are!" 
For  every  woman  thinketh  to  make  a  man  over  after 
a  pattern,  and    every   man  thinketh   to   remodel   a 
woman  according  to  a  stock  ideal. 
Yea,  after  the  honeymoon  each  seeketh  to  trim  the 
other  down  and  to  add  all  the  modern  improvements. 
Then  give  them  the  fruit  of  their  labors,  which  is  a 
mutual  shock ! 


A  112 

I  Orchestra 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


M 


Y  Daughter,  she  that  heedeth  my  instruc- 
tions shall  find  a  man  easier  to  play  upon 
than  a  pianola. 


5  A  nz 

I  Orchestra 


Behold,  she  hath  but  to  press  the  right  key,  and  he 
shall  repeat  all  his  repertoire,  even  unto  the  confes- 
sion of  his  sins. 

Yea,  verily,  a  man  rejoiceth  in  confessions;  and 
nothing  delighteth  his  soul  so  much  as  to  repent. 
For,  then  can  he  return  unto  his  follies  with  a  clear 
conscience  and  renewed  enthusiasm. 

Go  to !  Who  is  so  virtuous  as  an  husband  that  hath 
but  fust  received  a  cold  bath  and  his  wife's  forgive- 
ness? 

Lo,  he  goeth  forth  feeling  like  unto  an  uncrowned 
saint. 

He  is  puffed  up  with  righteousness. 

Yet,  before  the  night  cometh,  peradventure,  he  shall 
again  have  wobbled  from  the  straight  and  narrow 


•5*=* 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 

How  long,  then,  oh  my  Daughter,  shalt  thou  en- 
courage men  to  persecute  thee  with  their  "I'm  so- 
sorrys",  and  their  "Never-agains"?  For,  verily, 
verily,  every  man  believeth  that  a  woman's  patience 
is  a  thing  of  India  rubber,  which  will  stretch  over  a 
multitude  of  backslidings. 

Yea,  he  hath  not  a  doubt  that  a  broken  promise  may 
be  glued  together  with  kisses,  and  a  broken  heart 
mended  with  softsoap. 

Confessions  are  but  the  soothing  syrup  wherewith 
he  stilleth  his  conscience.  And  his  sins  would  lack 
much  joy  if  he  had  not  the  pleasure  of  "regretting" 
them. 

But  I  say  unto  thee,  a  woman's  faith  is  like  unto  a 
cobweb  which  cannot  be  patched  up,  once  it  hath 
been  shattered;  and  a  woman's  heart  is  not  as  a 
rubber  ball,  which  reboundeth  after  it  hath  been 
cast  down. 

Nay,  a  bride  sobbeth  "Harold,  tell  me  a.111 " 
But  after  ten  years,  a  wife  saith,  "Do  whatsoever 
thou  pleasest,  but  come  not  unto  me  with  thy  tale 
of  woe.    Lo,  I  am  aweary  of  holding  onto  Heaven 

[102] 


I  A  112 

I  Orchestra. 


BOOK        OF        ADMONITIONS 


with  one  hand  and  onto  thee  with  the  other.  There- 
fore go  thy  ways  and  let  me  sleep  I" 


Verily,  verily,  in  time,  doth  a  man's  penitence  palt  f 
A  112 1  ,  ,  .     ,  .          ,  .  5  A  HZ 


upon  a  woman;  and  his  kiss  of  remorse  is  more  to 
be  dreaded  than  his  sins. 

For,  once  love  hath  cooled,  it  may  be  warmed-over, 
yet  it  is  flat  and  tasteless,  even  as  a  Monday  lunch- 
eon. 


[103] 


~~-~~^r«  n 


BOOK        OF 

CHAPTER  FIVE 


ADMONITIONS 


Y  Daughter,  observe  my  counsel,  for  the 
heart  of  a  man  is  like  unto  a  Broadway 
car,  in  which  there  is  always  room  for  1 1  A 112 
one  more. 

Behold,  in  matters  of  love,  a  woman  is  a  specialist, 
but  a  man  is  a  general  practitioner.  Yea,  a  woman 
loveth  but  one  type — even  one  man — but  a  man  lov- 
eth  anything  which  happeneth  to  be  at  hand. 

Lo,  he  that  weddeth  a  brunette  shall  ever  after  seek 
peroxide  blondes;  and  he  that  marryeth  a  pink  and 
yellow  doll  shall  acquire  a  sudden  interest  in  intel- 
lect and  brunettes.  For  variety  is  the  spice  of  love. 

Moreover,  a  woman  is  an  epicure  in  love,  but  a  man 
is  a  gourmand. 

In  the  love-feast,  a  woman  desireth  but  one  course 
at  a  time ;  but  a  man  relisheth  them  all  served  at 
once,  like  unto  a  dinner  at  a  country  inn. 


Yea,  he  mixeth  his  flirtations,  even  as  he  mixeth  his 
libations,  and  wondereth  sadly  why  he  awakeneth 
always  with  an  headache. 


ADMONITIONS 


Orche*fr» 


Verily,  verily,  even  thy  Father,  Solomon,  had  not 
more  than  enough  wives.  For  every  man  requireth 
at  least  two  soul-mates. 

One  for  Sundays — and  one  for  week  days. 

One  to  amuse  him — and  one  to  wait  upon  him. 

One  to  save  his  soul — and  one  to  save  his  pennies. 

One  to  help  him  make  a  fortune — and  one  to  help 
him  spend  it. 

One  for  his  lighter  side — and  one  for  his  darker  side. 

One  for  company,  one  for  comfort,  one  for  inspira- 
tion, one  for  pastime — and  many  others,  for 
a.  change. 

SELAH. 


i  A 112 


LO,  MY  BELOVED,  THY 


HAIR  IS  AS  STUBBLE; 


AND    IN   THE   MORNING 


IT  STANDETH  ALOFT 
AS  A  SHORN  WHEAT 
FIELD.  HOW  FASCI- 
NATING ART  THOU  IN 
PAJAMAS,  WHEN  THY 
FACE  IS  COVERED  WITH 
SHAVING  LATHER! 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


§  A  112 


CHAPTER  ONE 

THE  Song  of  a  Wife,  which  is  Mrs.  Solomon's. 
Let  him  praise  me  with  the  words  of  his 


mouth ;  for  his  flattery  is  sweeter  than  wine   f 


!    and  his  kisses  are  rarer  than  orchids. 


|Orcti**tr«. 


Lo,  my  Beloved,  thy  hair  is  as  stubble,  and  in  the 
morning  it  standeth  aloft,  as  a  shorn  wheat  field. 

Thy  cheek  is  as  a  Turkish  towel,  which  caresseth 
mine. 

Thy  temples  are  a  shining  light,  which  resembleth  a 
silver  polish  advertisement. 

Thou  wearest  a  derby  hat.     Thy  breath  is  sweet 
with  cloves. 

How  fascinating  art  thou  in  pajamas,  when  thy  face 
is  covered  with  shaving  lather! 


How  beautiful  are  thy  feet 


Behold,  thou  art  a  collection  of  habits.    Yea,  unto 
these  thou  art  more  constant  than  the  family  cat. 

[109] 


BOOK 


O    F 


SONGS 


Whatsoever  thou  hast  done  before,  thai  shalt  thou 
do  forever  and  in  the  same  way. 

Thou  kissest  me  once  in  the  morning,  once  in  the 
a  Ami  cver"ng»  an(*  twice  upon  Christmas  Day. 

Thou  clingest  unto  thine  old  pipe  as  unto  thy 
reputation.  Thou  callest  every  woman  by  the  same 
pet  name. 


Orc»i**tr«. 


Lo,  what  would  my  Beloved  be  without  his  habits? 
Even  as  a  doggie's  tail  which  hath  lost  its  "wag"! 
But  thy  heart,  oh,  my  Beloved,  is  full  of  lightning 
changes.  Its  capacity  is  inexhaustible. 

The  memory  of  yesterday's  kiss  is  unto  thee  as  the 
memory  of  yesterday's  dinner — sweet,  but  not  satis- 
fying. 

Yet,  though  thy  heart  changeth  many  times,  I,  thy 
wife,  am  become  one  of  thy  habits! 

Behold  thou  hast  placed  "Mrs."  upon  my  name; 
thou  hast  glorified  me  with  a  wedding  ring ! 


§  A  112 

I  Orchestra 


Therefore,  I  am  become 
footstool. 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


I  shall  mend  thy  socks  with  rejoicing,  and  the  re- 
placing of  thy  buttons  shall  be  my  delight. 

All  the  days  of  thy  life,  shall  I  clean  thy  safety  razor 
1112]   and  put  the  studs  in  thy  shirts. 

OrcKeitT*.  | 

Then,  cast  thine  ashes  over  my  dressing  table  and 
strew  my  carpets  with  cigar  stumps. 

Let  the  awnings  of  mine  house  be  burned  and  my 
lace  curtains  consumed  with  fire.  I  shall  not 
murmur. 

For  I  am  my  Beloved's  and  there  is  naught  else  like 
unto  him. 


I  A 112 

I  Orchestra. 


K 


CHAPTER  TWO 


THE  Song  of  Songs,  which  is  the  widow's. 
When  I  was  a  rib,  I  spoke  as  a  rib,  and  all 
my  ways  were  the  ways  of  a  rib. 
Lo,  I  took  man  seriously,  even  as  he  took  himself. 
For  him  did  I  rush  the  breakfast — and  keep  it  wait- 
ing. 


O     F 


S     O 


Unto  him  did  I  offer  up  the  palm — and  the  morning 
paper.  All  his  opinions  were  right  in  mine  eyes; 
and  because  he  said  a  thing,  it  was  so. 

He  was  the  Lord  of  my  Heart,  and  the  Source  of 
mine  Income.  And  in  him  I  saw  nothing  funny; 
for  my  sense  of  humor  had  not  yet  been  awakened. 

He  looked  at  my  hats  and  mocked  them.  Yet  that 
inverted  salad  bowl  which  he  called  a  "derby"  did 
not  arouse  my  mirth.  He  waxed  satirical  at  the 
number  of  my  puffs,  and  my  coiffure  was  a  daily 
target  for  his  wit.  Yet,  though  he  cut  all  the  hair 
from  off  his  head,  and  left  it  to  grow  upon  his  face, 
I  felt  no  merriment. 


In  his  conceit,  he  made  of  me  a  human  joke. 


TMff 

<y&y  =»=»=« 


•=*=» 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


But  now  that  I  am  become  a  widow,  I  see  him  as 
he  is.  Therefore  shall  I  arise  and  smite  him  in  his 
vanity. 

Lo,  what  woman  shall  take  men  seriously,  once  she 
hath  been  married  unto  one  of  these?  For  he,  that 
seemeth  a  thing  of  beauty  and  wisdom  unto  many 
virgins,  is  but  a  child  in  the  eyes  of  his  wife. 

She  knoweth  the  source  of  his  opinions;  and  the 
padding  of  his  shoulders  is  not  hidden  from  her. 
His  grouches  are  always  with  her  and  his  digestion 
is  her  burden. 

Go  to!  I  have  seen  him  at  his  mirror  when  he 
worked  upon  the  parting  of  his  hair.  He  hath  bor- 
rowed my  powder  for  his  chin,  and  with  my  per- 
fume hath  he  anointed  himself.  My  nail-polish  and 
my  eau  de  cologne,  they  were  not  safe  from  him. 

I  have  flattered  him  and  beheld  his  fall.  I  have  said 
unto  him,  "My  love,  thy  judgment  is  above  question 
and  thy  common  sense  above  praise !" 

And  he  hath  smiled,  as  one  that  sippeth  a  wine  of  a 


5  A  112 

Orchestr*. 


OK 


O     F 


SON 


I  have  cooed  unto  him  saying : 

"Lo,  thy  reasoning  powers  and  thine  acumen  are 

greater  than  those  of  Sherlock  Holmes !" 

And  I  have  observed  his  secret  joy. 

I  have  cried  out: 

"Oh,  why  didst  thou  not  go  upon  the  stage?    For 

thy  shoulders  are  better  than  Faversham's  and  thy 

profile  than  E.  H.  Sothern's !" 

And  he  hath  straightway  proposed/ 

The  youths  of  the  land  have  I  called  "Mr.  Smith", 

and  the  octogenarians  addressed  as   "Silly  Boy". 

The   fat   man   have    I   called   "graceful",   and   the 

ourang-outang,  "distinguished". 

And  all  of  these  were  overcome. 

Their  fairy  tales  have  I  outstripped  with  better  fairy 

tales,  and  their  devices  with  more  subtile  devices. 

Verily,  verily,  men  are  as  toys  in  mine  hand;  and, 
even  as  a  child,  do  I  delight  to  play  with  them. 
Lo,  she  that  fisheth  for  an  husband,  laboreth  against 
many  odds,  but  she  that  fisheth  for  amusement 
casteth  her  nets  in  pleasant  waters,  and  they  shall 
return  unto  her  heavy  laden. 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


CHAPTER  THREE 


Ordwstr* 


T 


HE  Litany  of  the  Summer  Girl,  which  she 
chanteth  continuously,  morning  and  night. 
Oh,  Lord,  deliver  me  from  the  deadliness  of 

the  Summer  Resort,  and  from  all  the  deadly  things 

therein. 


From  the  emptiness  of  moonlight  evenings  without 
a  Man,  and  the  hollowness  of  life  without  a  flirta- 
tion, now  preserve  me. 

From  the  sentimental  grafter  and  the  plaionic  friend 
oh  spare  me! 

For,  the  one  seeketh  after  cheap  flirtations,  and  col- 
lecteth  kisses,  as  a  woman  doth  trading  stamps. 
And  the  other  is  as  a  wet  powder-rag  which  sticketh, 
but  availeth  nothing.  Verily,  verily,  a  breakfast-food 
without  sugar  and  cream  is  not  more  insipid  than 
one  of  these. 

From  college  youths,  which  are  fresher  than  spring 
asparagus  and  more  tender  than  spring  lamb,  oh, 
deliver  me! 


=  A 112 

I  Orchestra 


. 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


From  old  bachelors,  which  are  staler  than  last  year's 
canned  goods,  and  tougher  than  cold  rarebits,  oh, 
preserve  me ! 


From  the  hotel  "phonograph,"  which  repeateth  the 


same  old  love-tunes  night  after  night,  year  in  and 
year  out,  oh  set  me  free! 


From  the  impressionist  that  cometh  down  over  Sun- 
day, deliver  me ! 

For,  when  he  hath  loved  me  with  all  his  heart,  and 
with  all  his  mind,  and  with  all  his  impudence,  for  an 
whole  week-end,  he  shall  depart ;  and  the  scorners 
shall  delight  in  their  ha-has  and  the  whisperers  say, 
"She  was  but  a  temporary  distraction!" 

From  the  summer  widower,  that  seeketh  to  return 
unto  flirtation  by  a  by-path,  oh,  hide  me !  For  lo,  I 
am  not  a  consolation  prize.  Neither  am  I  a  grafter, 
coveting  other  women's  troubles. 

From  all  gossip,  and  freckles,  and  tan,  and  sand-in- 
the-shoes ;  from  the  patronizing  bride,  and  the  youth 
that  playeth  ragtime;  from  the  bathing  suit  that 

[1x6] 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONG 


shrinketh,  and  the  nose  that  peeleth;  from  mos- 
quitoes, and  cows  and  red  ants;  from  hen  parties, 
and  springless  straw  rides,  and  manless  dances,  oh, 
deliver  me ! 

Feed  me  with  bon-bons  and  stay  me  with  novels! 

Lead  me  beside  the  full  streams,  where  the  fish  are 
plentiful  and  the  fishing  worthy  of  the  fishermaiden ; 
that  I  may,  peradventure,  find,  one  eligible,  who 
shall  rescue  me  from  the  Land  of  Innocuous  Desue- 
tude, and  usher  me  into  the  Kingdom  of  Matrimony ! 


A 112 

I  Orchestra. 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


O     F 


SONGS 


•If) 


£  A  112 


I   beseech 


THE  Song  of  The  Debutante  which  the  Wise 
Virgin  chanteth  in  her  heart: 
Oh,   Providence   in   thy   mercy, 
Thee,  grant  me  these  three: 

A  level  head,  a  soft  tongue,  and  a  sense  of  humor! 
And  the  greatest  of  these  is  a  sense  of  humor. 

Lo,  I  do  not  ask  for  wealth,  neither  for  beauty,  nor 
for  love ;  for,  having  a  level  head,  and  a  soft  tongue, 
all  these  things  shall  be  added  unto  me. 

I  sigh  not  for  the  charms  of  an  houri ;  and  curling 
hair  I  shall  not  crave.  Yea,  though  one  husband  be 
all  that  is  granted  unto  me  in  this  day  of  Progressive 
Matrimony,  I  shall  not  murmur. 

Though  my  waist-line  increaseth,  year  by  year,  and 
my  teeth  depart  one  by  one,  I  shall  not  be  cast  down. 
For,  a  cheerful  disposition  shall  sustain  me,  and  the 
smile  that  cometh  not  off  shall  keep  me  charming. 

Though  chorus  girls  marry  above  me;  though  I 
never  build  mine  own  bungalow ;  though  my  frocks 
be  made  over,  and  my  complexion  made  up,  I  shall 
not  repine. 

[1x8] 


I  Orchestra. 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


For,  behold,  I  shall  not  take  myself  seriously,  neither 
be  filled  with  false  illusions  concerning  men. 
Lo,  a  woman  that  regardeth  herself  seriously  is  a 
human  joke;  and  a  woman  that  dally eth  with  illu- 
sions is  as  a  babe  that  played  with  matches.  She 
burneth  her  own  fingers. 

Though  my  cooking  be  deadly,  and  my  shoes  "num- 
ber fives"  I  shall  not  despair.  For  a  sense  of  humor 
shall  cover  me  as  a  mackintosh,  off  which  the 
lemons,  that  fate  casteth  at  me,  shall  roll  as  water. 
Verily,  verily,  a  woman  without  a  sense  of  humor  is 
as  one  that  goeth  into  New  Jersey  clad  in  lace  hose. 
She  layeth  herself  bare  to  constant  stings ;  she  suf- 
fereth  untold  pangs. 

Then  grant  me,  I  pray  thee,  this  one  panacea: 
That  I  may  laugh  when  men  laugh>  and  the  point  of 
their  jokes  shall  not  escape  me. 
That  I  may  not  tremble  at  their  wrath;  neither 
wither  under   their   sarcasm,   nor   repine   at  their 
grouches. 

And  that,  all  the  days  of  my  youth,  I  shall  dwell  in 
the  enjoyment  of  life,  repartee,  and  the  pursuit  of  an 
husband !  Amen. 

[119] 


BOOK 


CHAPTER  FIVE 


O     F 


SONGS 


NCLINE  thine  ear,  O,  my  Daughter!  For  this 
is  the  Song  of  the  Bride,  which  containeth  all 
the  law  and  the  "profits"  of  Matrimony. 

I  thank  thee,  O,  my  Beloved ;  for  thou  hast  chosen 
me  out  of  the  multitude  of  women  that  were 
after  thee. 

Thou  hast  delivered  me  from  spinsterhood  and  led 
me  into  the  House  of  Bondage. 

Thy  brand  is  upon  me ! 
I  am  thy  Chattel. 

Thy  wishes  shall  be  my  wishes,  thy  tastes  my  tastes, 
and  thy  politics  my  politics. 

I  shall  have  no  personal  opinions  before  thine  and 
no  other  thought  before  thee.  Only  my  tooth  brush 
shall  remain  of  all  mine  individuality. 

For  lo,  I  have  said  in  my  heart,  "Couldst  thou  love 
this  man  in  a  shop-made  suit  and  a  polka  dot  tie? 
Couldst  thou  love  him  though  he  lost  his  front  hair? 
Couldst  thou  love  him  without  a  collar?" 

[120] 


JUT 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


5  A 

Orcl.es 


And  my  heart  hath  answered : 

"Yea,  verily !  For  I  am  the  apple  of  his  eye,  and  he 
is  the  source  of  mine  income.  Therefore  are  we  truly 
mated." 

Then,  whatsoever  thou  doest,  my  beloved,  it  shall  be 
right  in  my  sight ;  and  whatsoever  thou  wearest  thou 
shalt  seem  beautiful  in  mine  eyes. 
Even  in  thy  fishing  clothes  shall  I  adore  thee ;  and 
if  thou  but  concedest  to  change  thy  collar  and  carry 
one  glove  when  we  go  forth  in  public  thou  shalt  ap- 
pear sufficiently  dressy  unto  me, 

I  shall  take  great  care  of  thy  digestion,  and  thy  de- 
votion will  take  care  of  itself.  I  shall  not  practise 
my  cooking  upon  thee. 

I  shall  believe  whatsoever  thou  tellest  me,  even  when 
I  know  it  to  be  false.  I  shall  listen  unto  thy  fairy 
tales  with  respect. 

I  shall  delight  in  thine  imagination  and  the  works 

thereof. 

I  shall  endeavor  to  like  thee ;  for  love  passeth  as  the 

whirlwind,  but  friendship  is  a  rock  which  endureth 

forever. 

[121] 


SMS 


j  A  112 

I  Orchestra 


5  A 112 1 

Orchestra.  I 


BOOK 


O     F 


SONGS 


I  shall  not  laugh  at  thee,  for  I  am  sane. 
When  thou  hookest  my  frocks  crooked  I  shall  not 
murmur,  but  shall  urge  thee  on  with  my  cheers  and 
praises.    I  shall  not  hear  thy  mutterings. 
I  shall  remember  thy  pipe,  thy  razor,  and  thy  morn- 
ing newspaper,  to  keep  them  holy. 
Thy  Desk  shall  be  sacred  from  mine  hands.  Thou 
shalt  have  one  hook  within  the  closet. 
I  shall  be  a  mother  unto  thee ;  yet  shall  I  permit  thee 
to  treat  me  as  a  babe,  that  thou  mayest  rest  under 
thy  favorite  delusion.   Whosoever  speaketh  against 
thee  I  shall  rend  her  with  my  finger  nails  and  my 
sarcasm. 

I  shall  learn  to  be  happy  without  thee  in  order  that 
I  may  be  happy  with  thee,  when  thou  chancest  to  be 
at  home. 

Thou  shalt  go  thy  ways  untroubled ;  for  I  shall  not 
be  thy  jailer  but  thy  jollier. 

Verily,  verily,  I  shall  be  all  things  unto  thee ;  even 
a  wife,  an  angel,  a  kitten,  a  cook,  a  chum,  and  a 
siren. 
Yea,  I  shall  be  thine  whole  harem  I 


A 112 

I  Orchestra 


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